Having Some Twisted Times…
12:26 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Well
it may seem like that I am having a nice time here but certainly, I am not.
Feeling very twisted, torn apart in my own life’s terms and conditions. It
seems god is playing with MY life and me. Well I know it has always been a
favourite pass time entertainment for god to play with me but this time it is
happening so fast that I fear something is coming and that cannot be very
pleasant
Some
unusual things are happening with me from last 36 hours, and I do not know why,
its happening so fast that I do not get time to think. These do not happen, not
in my kind of life. I should be feeling very good right now but it all seems
like a peace before storm. Something is not right, something is out of place,
and I knew it. It is not my hunch. It is my feelings, which are talking to me,
and they are not wrong. That is why I am puzzled.
Whom
I love, cannot get their hearts. Some loves me and yet fail to get my feeling
for them straight. Sometimes when I look back at times I see that I am too a
guilty person to some people, do not know why my own friends are turned against
me for some petty misunderstandings. Moreover, it is their ego, which is not
letting them drop the issue.
I
know probably it is not the very nice to place to say it but seriously
sometimes I feel like a looser, a screw-up. I am not at all perfect at pretty
much anything. I know no one is a perfect one. Still I am not even close. I am
not perfect at what I do. I am not perfect at what I look like, maybe that is
the main reason people get a wrong impression about me. It is always wrong.
Moreover, later they blame me for being the same person as their image. Now
what is my fault is even unexplainable to them.
Maybe
I am jack-of-all-trades but surely, I am master of none. People were optimistic
from me and as being a perfectionist, I do not think I deliver them that right.
Moreover, I still do not know how they get that kind of high expectation from
me. People have misconceptions before meeting me up, and later people have another
kind of misunderstanding about me. Maybe it is my life to be misunderstood. I
do not know why people make an image of mine in their mind when they do not
know me better.
They
say I underestimate myself much. However, all I do is to estimate myself. That
is all. Because there is no one else here who knows me more than myself. No one
can, no matter how much they claim about it they will still misjudge my
feelings and me. To know me is to learn a bible in Hebrew language.
They
call me a predictable person, a person like me is no fun to the girls, and they
want raw adventure in their age. I cannot deliver adventure to them because it
needs money and I have none of it, at least none of it to spend unnecessarily.
YES I am predictable because I share much, I stay clear, I talk transparent and
I talk all truth, raw truth are my specialities maybe that’s why people think I
am rude or I get some sort of joy by hurting people with truth. But the matter
of fact is truth is harsh always. People do not have guts to hear it and later
digest it properly. What can I do about it? Maybe that is why I call black a
black and white a white so I do not get to know how to flirt. Surely, that is
an art of deception and lie but it is the place where I get beaten up every
time. And they call me a screw-up.
I
got no friends, sure people will love the situation like me, no strings, total
freedom, full time for myself, none to answer, no responsibilities, none to
answer, no frisky calls, no sentimental messages, no mails, no confusions.
Maybe I am not an eligible buddy for anyone. I am not good with mixing up with
people, I hate crowd, I feel awkward in a group sometimes because most of the
time I feel like a total stranger to them. I do not gel with people and neither
do they. Yeah maybe I am a loner but that is not by choice that is more like it
is forced to me. And when someone is compelled to stay alone and isolated
ignored by some and hated by all then all the pain it cause can only be
understandable.
The
more I care about someone, the more they get away from me. Am I too chokingly
possessive? For all? I do not think so. The only people I care about are the
one who I think understand me a little bit then again my conception about them
fails. Again when I get some one new I start to thinking about it all again,
caring, loving, keeping them safe and happy and all they think of it as
possessiveness.
Only
me and god knows me. No one else. So no one has the power to judge me for my
deeds. No one.
Adieu
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