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29/06/2013 – Saturday

12:18 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Today we went to movie, the movie was intense at first half and it’s totally gone haywires suddenly in second half and the ending was worst I have ever seen. The name I will publish later in my social review updates, well, if I come online, ever. Throughout the first half, we had one more friend with us, in second half we were just ourselves sitting together and cursing at the movie. I enjoyed a little a laughed a little also but after so many days, it felt like a laugh riot to me.

At home, I saw some of the movies and planning about my financial status and forecasting my strength on June 2015. Well it’s just time passing I guess. Well my plan B is to start a business and for that I need money and I have to make sure that how much money I can get for that on the time of my passing masters on my own. Because I know, I won’t be getting any loan for that because I don’t have any asset for that and I won’t be making any heavy industry here. Actually, I can’t because I live in a state and in a country where to make progress either you have to be a billionaire or a politician or a mafia, and I am not of them.

Well my plans are very big and I have to make sure that all plans stay impeccable. But the main problem is the money which I don’t have. I am finding for the sources to make money but I don’t think I have money in my luck right now. My family can’t provide much as we are poor. Yes, I can accept that in public and I don’t think it’s a shame to accept the truth and to be a poor person specially in a country like India and a state like West Bengal.

Its been days since I spoke to her. Her mother said that she is ill now, suffering from fever but for so many days? I don’t find her on her phone. I don’t know that I should call her or not. I mean what authority I have? Maybe her life is saturated with her boyfriend. He is taking care of her so well that she don’t need someone else’s care. And in my case it’s just the telephonic care. What can I do for her in reality and actually?

My other friend got busy in her educational life. And one another friend gives me miscall but our time don’t match. So maybe there will be some communication gap on us and my best friend, probably he is not feeling about gaming so he didn’t contacted. And all others whom I thought as friends, showed their back to me. it’s so interesting to know the human nature from so close, maybe this is my blessing from god that I get to know the humankind and also its my curse that I can see and feel so clearly and sensitively.

I have seen enough on my exile, don’t you think so? Aren’t you one of those traitors? Probably you are who is reading this and finding their name on it but I won’t be taking anyone’s name but I will leave the clues. Its up to your intelligence to identify them. So tell me is it you? I would like to know WHY.

The semesters are coming and I have to be prepared for them. They are going to be one hell of a time. So little time and so much to study. Also I will be getting my MBA specializations. I am very much clueless about what to take actually as my specialization but I am sure I will choose the best because I am very confident about my choices. I am going to take Project Management as my first specialization and later I may take Marketing Management as my second specialization but if only SMU restarts their 3year dual specialization program.

And I would end today’s article with a very good news. My beloved god brother has become an uncle when his elder sister had a baby boy yesterday. He told me today and it is really a time to celebrate. I am wishing the new-born all the best of luck and a very happy and prosperous life ahead.


Good Night

28/06/2013 – Friday

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Today is the day when I was supposed to be sitting in a movie hall, with my friend, watching movie, then after I planned a good lunch at Ganga’s but she didn’t came up as our classes at the study centre postponed so what does it mean? It’s the study centre, which matters not me because movie will be in the hall for a week now. That is what I hate too much, being taken granted for.

It’s another very boring day for me. At morning, I thought of giving some bunches of pages to local book binding shop so that they will make me some copies out of them. But the price they asked for is ₹25 for each copy. It’s very pricey, well I can get the same amount of pages in a copy for ₹15, why would I spend ₹10 more? I came to home and bind them myself using the things available in my home and I did a pretty good job and I converted all the pages into good copies which I will be using for my next semester of MCA.

Then I realised something, it’s me who does all the work at the end but still I wander places in hope of finding help. It’s I who always helps my ass in the end, no one helped me so far for doing anything so why would I kiss any ass for? I should be thankful to me and me only. People are traitor. I got enough of their shits but I won’t be taking more. I won’t entertain any people anymore. So much of helping people. I am sick of it now. So, no more helping these fuckers.

I will only do the formalities and duties. That’s it. No more mingling into someone else’ job when I see them doing wrong. Let them do the wrong and burn in hell. I should take care of myself because there is no one who takes care of me. I am all alone and there is no one for me except myself so I should give all my priority to me and only me.

In my so powerful new PC, the monster PC, I am unable to play most of the games I have been saving for these days. I guess its because of pirated games. Piracy is a menace, I know it and it is a reality also, in third world country like India, my country. I mean a ₹2500 for a console game and ₹999 for PC games? Come on, ₹2500 is a monthly salary of many of the people over here and ₹999 is a yearly government college fees. How can a healthy teenage person can play computer games here? What they mean by it? Does all those entertainment is just for the rich kids whose fathers steals people’s taxes and dumps that in their Swiss bank account?

I guess it’s for everyone and freedom is everyone’s birth right so I support piracy in third world country and however all the software companies are enjoying profit from even this level of piracy. Why? Because they follow 80 : 20 principal where 20% of their customers already pays the price of 80% pirated content. But I think if they think logically and decrease the price of games and software on the launch depending upon the market they are operating in, they will profit more but maybe in a longer time duration. But their hunger for quick money becomes the main cause behind piracy.

I myself bought a legal copy of windows 8 pro when they were giving that for ₹699. But if they start to charge ₹14000+ for their crappy OS then I will only go for the pirated one as I did for my desktop. I am a gamer and I love playing games and that’s the sole reason I am sticking with windows otherwise I would have switched to Linux. I can’t afford Apple nor I can stand with older version of Windows.

It’s the big corporates who steals money from us, the common people. And getting some of our things back is called the right.

What you say?

25/06/2013 – Tuesday

12:15 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Another boring morning started with chances of heavy rain and it did rained, and it rained hard. I have been to one of my friend’s place for getting some movies for my brother and I was totally struck there for this heavy rain and then I got a risky idea of coming back to home walking the road of 30 minutes approx. But the risk here that I was carrying not only a smartphone but also a hard disk filled with data. Still I did it. I struggled the rain, saw gruesome lightning.

Though I find most of movies in that HDD are already seen by me, I got some new movies too. So I guess I will not be needing net for another couple of days. When I came of tome, I called one of my friend but she was in hurry so I told her to give me miss call when she get time and I am still waiting for that miscall. It’s funny. Isn’t it? Well I got to talk to some one so I guess I myself have to call someone, well anyone. Because no one is going to call me as they don’t need me.

My dad paid my college fees today, it was more than 44k. Pretty costly for a local college and especially with that awful lot of faculty and careless student administration. But still I am stuck in this hell hole for more 2 years. Oh! Now someone is going to see this article and going to report against me. Well, they are more than welcome to do it. Because I know that majority of student will be with me.

The situation of Uttarakhand is really bad. The holy pilgrimages are totally under water and abolished. Many people have lost their dear ones. Rumours are spreading of some mishandling of puja procedure. I knew that, people are too weak to accept the fact. I knew they would come up with some lame shitty rumours.

I don’t know how much I have to rot in this hell.
Bye for now.

Good Night

24/06/2013 – Monday

12:14 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Beginning of a new week. A very lazy day. No work to do, no movie to watch and as usual no friends to hang out with. Writing this article on morning, last night I couldn’t sleep well, till 3:30am I was awake I think and I woke up in morning 6:30. I think I am about to lose one of my best friend, and also one good friend as from today her new semester is starting on so she will not be available for 6 months. During these months, all her time will be going for her favourite things and loved ones and obviously for the special person. Everyone has their dear and near ones, the special ones actually. I don’t know, what kind of luck I have that I don’t have any such. Well maybe that’s not true, I have many actually, but they are not mine. This is the irony. Why they are not mine? Why I couldn’t win their heart? Where I am lacking?

I am not feeling good and well by the day. Maybe I have to take much more rest that I think I am going to need. I don’t know why but something is making me weak. Or some people? I don’t know. I am feeling hollow. This whole world is feeling like a fake place I am living in. why I am still missing them? What are they? Who are they? Some remnant of past?

My brother came from Chennai yesterday and he came to my house today, we chatted a lot but most of the talking were kind of sadistic. Have some good food and then when he went to his house I tried to sleep but as always I was unable to have some good sleep. Every night it is the same story. I desperately need help from a psychiatrist.

Pretty much my life is boring so there is nothing new to write on.

Have fun guys..

21/06/2013 – Friday

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Today my one of friend is going to buy a laptop for her, which she needed very much. Though the laptop I chose for her is not available right now, she is buying different one and I have given her all the needed tech-gyaan for this. Hope she will remember them all, otherwise she will suffer later. She is a good friend of mine but I know that I am just a “kampooter waala (tech guy)” friend in her life. I have no position else than this, and now I don’t expect anything from anyone now.

I am a numb guy now. No strings with outside world. I am within myself now. Exploring myself. Yes, I still find some disturbance but those are inevitable. Apart from them I am free totally and progressing in a path of nirvana. I know I have to return to the cyber world, for god sake I am a computer engineer, this is the place where I should be for my living in later life but I have to find a way by not to indulge too much. It’s not addiction, I repeat, its indulgence. I think there is a thin line between indulgence and addiction. If it was my addiction I would have suffocated by the this time but I didn’t and this is the biggest proof.

As I said earlier, I don’t have much of things going on in my life. So I don’t write this blog every day. Because I am very much sure, that no one is interested to know here about my daily life routine. I too even hate boring stuff so why would I serve them here. I know people don’t visit here by their will. They come here from Google and other search engines looking for some specific keywords. I am very sure that my life does not contain those keywords.

I just woke up couple of minutes ago at 10:00 am. Its 30 minutes more than the previous time. I am not lazy that much but I am taking my time off so what does it matter..  eeh? I need sleep. My blood test results are not so good. I am suffering from several things and many of the properties of my blood has increased. I have to decrease the meter and that’s too in time or otherwise it would affect my performance in my 3rd semester of MCA. Because I am the (underdog) CR, I have to go to class every day and if I stay ill all the time how I could ever achieve my 100% attendance rate.

I still have 15 movies to view from and I think I will be needing three to four days for that and by that time my college will re-open I think. The 3rd semester of MCA is going to be the lengthiest one. My main problem subject would be undoubtedly Numerical Analysis. This was my one of the biggest fear in BCA and this will be my fear once again. Another thing I am worried about right now is about the results of MCA. I think I am going to fail as my worst performance in my two laboratory exams. In written I might pass but in laboratory? God knows the answer.

We are going to Kolkata in 23rd ,I hope. There are many work to do there, mostly are of my father’s stuff. The only reason for me to go to Kolkata is to meet my best friend over there but I don’t know that could be possible anymore by this time. Because apart from being my best friend she is my love and she has her love which is not me so it’s very evident. Besides I know its my destiny to be far from her life, one day I have to go out of the radius, I have to prepare it from now. Isn’t it? She have her own life, I don’t have mine without her. Don’t they say that “the one who lives, lives on the ashes of others”. As I have stopped talking with the world, I included her in that list too. Each and every day I am dying to talk to her like before but I don’t know why I get the feeling of “stealing from someone else’s tiffin box”. I hope u can get my dilemma here.
That’s why I stay far from people who are committed or have someone special in their life. People like them have their life saturated and in some cases super saturated. They only do time pass with others when they have time and when they have not then it’s sure that they are with their loved ones. I am sick of being in other’s kindness.


I guess you too can have such feelings. Sooner or later.

20/06/2013 – Thursday

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This is my blog article number three. I am Feeling not well today. Didn’t attainted my MBA class, though there would be no student besides me for today in the class I thought it would be better if I skip the class for today, for greater good, So that other will not feel deprived. I am feeling very much bored. Passing my times watching movies and playing games. It would have be a good life if I would have someone to share my life with. Loneliness again becomes a burden to me.

These days I am playing the game Alan Wake. Nice psychological horror game but it feels boring maximum times. My best male friend used to visit my home these days for the game. I don’t know what but I really feeling from inside that our relationship has become now a days just a formality between two old friends. I miss that hearty feeling. People are coming to me just for the needs and that’s what I hate about it. There is no one for me. I feel like getting used day by day.

My state is now in threat. Threat from the politicians, be it the ruling or the opposition party. And the lives of innocents are at stake. Who is responsible for all these pandemonium? Media is showing news, politicians are blaming others, people are dying, end of story. And continuation of the cycle. World is filled with power hungry selfish people, people whose words and actions don’t match. Don’t we see sae type of people in history, In present time and in our daily lives? People are using other people to get up to the ladder.

I know I have to study more because only this is the thing, which is mine, but I really sometimes get confused about my sole motto about studying and gathering knowledge. What would be the use of becoming a complete idiot, a duffer as well as a master’s degree holder? I have become unsocial I think as the day going on I am going to the dark. Day by day its killing my soul. I am becoming too much negative. I can see peoples lie clearly, their faults, their masks. How to trust these kind of people whose real face is exposed to you? The answer is you cant and the result is that you have to become lonely.

There are people who don’t know how and when to take decisions and yet they criticise and question upon other’s decision when someone made that for them. Instead of appreciation the decision maker, have to face their idiotic rebellion. And this is not it, when no one is doing anything they all will say that there is nothing happening but when someone start to do something they will try their level best to stop it. Its like talking about progress yet holding its back to happening. This two faced nature is very similar to the politicians, and why that will not be? After all politicians are the faces of some people. We are all politicians by birth and that’s what Chanakya said. And it is truth by word.

I don’t know but I personally feel that India, my Indian needs a better system. Because the system is the MAIN problem here. The main problem of the system is that there is no system at all. The spine has broken already and now we are going towards full paralysis. Our lands and lives are at stake. In this regard, I think Quran Sharif is right, we have to protect our “Zan Zar & Zameen”. Day by day the incident of rape and utmost brutality are becoming reality of lives. Politicians are taking our money, ruling our lives, killing our innocent families. Men are not coming forward to stand for the right because everyone is afraid of something. they are helpless in front of the power. The power is the main problem of our Indian system. Mr Churchill was right, we Indians are not capable of managing our own country. We are really savages, that’s why we are eating up the country and its people. This cannibalistic approach is what makes us animals and we are made to rule, rule by others. Because we don’t have any proper system I feel British rule was right and it’s still needed to rule the India.

It’s the British who made us literate isn’t? And in lieu of that they took all our wealth and we had someone to blame for the country but now it’s our own people who are looting us day by day, yet we can’t do anything for it. They gave us culture by destroying ours, yes it’s true but did we really had any culture? I mean burning a widow shouldn’t be considered as a culture. I guess the idea of burning a young widow came to mind of our so-called ancestors to cover up their sexual lusty enjoyment with that widow and if she refuses to serve their lust in the name of Dev-Dasi then she had to be burnt. The monks should not wed, but it is not said that they don’t have sex with anyone. With several excuses, they find the way to engage in sex in the name of rituals. Be it tantric or the need to GOOD child to the royal bloodline. They always find a way to have some. And this is not only about Indian it is equally true about all the religions of the world that they do things in the name of religion, in the name of god. But the western culture was evolved many a times ago while we were still be in our savages. This is ridiculous. Don’t you think so?

Just sleeping in my bed, I was thinking many things about the world and its people. In a global thinking, can we be considered as a good civic society? Other cultures show their best and hide their bad but our culture is transparent. This is good thing; it is as ugly inside as outside. So you can see as a human this is a global problem. Are you really evolved?


The answer lies in our past.

14/06/2013 - Friday

12:08 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Today is the Friday. The 7th day. No one has come up forward who are really missing me. This is unacceptable perhaps but good for me. Maybe if someone has come I would have become weak. And I don’t like to be weak. I know what it feels like to be weak. I have been weak. I know the pain and agony. I am still wounded and still feel the need of strength. Every time I go to temple I pray to god to give me more strength, more strength to stand against all odd. To be brave enough on the path of truth. They say to conquer your fears you must become the fear but my biggest fear is my reality, my loneliness. Maybe god is preparing me for something big. Maybe he is preparing me for something else. I am slowly cutting all the strings from myself. One day the world would know for sure about me.

Yesterday I told someone to give me company today on the first day first show of superman but she didn’t responded. As with all other who didn’t responded to me anyway I asked them for anything. I only wonder why I am the only one who don’t say NO. I must learn to say NO otherwise people will take me a as a cheap available person. People really behave with me in same manner. Yes maybe I am psychologically inadequate to handle the stress and the crisis of my life that’s why I pray to be strong. I pray to be bold. I pray to the divine energy to give me a part of it.

Living in this huge world alone is a tough full time job indeed and when you find your inner self lost and your soul dead, you lost your will to live. Isn’t it? Have it ever occurred to you that you too have a reason and when this fool’s hope breaks all heal get loose on you. Didn’t it? I guess not everyone has a purpose; some people are for just to fill the brigade, like accessories.

I find everyone has someone, or some work to do. A thing which is dear to them and they are so indulged in it that they lose their sight from other things. They start to ignore others. As they don’t know or may have forgotten how it’s been like to be ignored they keep on doing so until they lose it and then realise its value. But the thing is lost and perhaps forever. People are so concerned about themselves and their loved ones that they don’t care for others and even if they care it’s out of sympathy. Personally, I hate living of someone’s sympathy. It suck, big time. I mean your sole purpose of existence can’t be dependent on other’s. Freedom is everyone’s right on this free world and if it’s not given to you, you must fight for it and the worst fight is to fight with yourself. Isn’t it the true meaning of Jihad?

I don’t know why people have so narrow sight in their life and so small of a heart that gets filled up when a person enters in it. Is the love is like a pizza? Does it gets smaller by giving the pieces away? I thought love is the biggest gift of god to humankind and its never-ending source of treasure a one can have. But people todays are no longer capable of holding such a big heart filled with empathy, they can only show sympathy but they will never be with you unless they need you. The global business this is, to give and take and sometimes to take without giving anything, it is considered as biggest profit.

And there lies a fool person, me, who does everything in reverse order than the world and that’s why he is an outcast. Isolated from the world, misunderstood by them, loved by none and hated by many. No matter how much I loved to be with something it has been taken from me and I kept on telling myself that I need to love more. How can they betray me when I have given them so much of me? are they all happy? Yes. Am I happy? No, I am not. The biggest reason for my unhappiness is perhaps me. my expectations are too high or I must say that I maintain too high of a standard which is hard for others to follow.

Do you have what it needs to be called as friend? The qualities? Look into your eyes and say…
I wanna hear.

13/06/2013 - Thursday

12:06 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I am now totally out of cyber world. Even if I had some of the cravings of it, it has ended I think. I won’t disagree that I don’t want to go back to there, but what will be the use? I don’t want to go back to that place filled with relative strangers. We live at same place, we do similar things, maybe in different ways, we are so common but still we all are strangers. I haven’t found any loner like me in there, hardly I come across individuals with unique soul. They all are same. This is the remorse; would I ever find anyone worthy?

Yesterday I had to take sleeping pills, once again, I gambled myself with no desire to wake up, I embraced the darkness and wanted to sleep into it. I know if I would have been writing this whole thing in my mother language it would have been a lyrical poem of modern age but alas! I have promised myself to write in the most famous language in the world, The English, for my blog. And I keep my promises. I mean what I have, to give. Except my words? Words are the only things, which understand me, maybe.

I am writing, writing after many days. From past 6 days I had been keeping a small roaster, films and films. Only through the films I find my freedom. My mind wanders away from scenes to scenes to script to script. Almost saw 300 films. Those who are regular at here or my profiles know how fast I am in the matter of watching films. I now many people will find it absurd but I know the truth that what I am. People used to mock to me to go any movie house or film studio or perhaps contacting any media-publishing firm to write reviews from them.

Isn’t it amusing that I am a computer engineer who watches films, reads religious texts, speaks of philosophy, listens to hip hop, aspires to be a hard core management guru and yet writing blog in a faulty broken language which most people will give a good laugh if they look at it even. Isn’t it really funny, how much funny mixture my life is? Or maybe it’s a satiric art film where the hero dies at the end by cancer and yet shadows dance and glorify the death?

No, its not mixed up, its messed up. I’m 22+ and I am still single, virgin, lonely and maybe slowly reaching towards the end to become unsocial. Oh! Yes I know what you say “Ramen, you are frustrated man, take a chill pill, everything is going to be all right.” Isn’t it? However, my dear fellow earth mate, isn’t 22+ with a very sensitive mind filled with feelings are enough to gather experience of a century? I mean the world is so fast here and if I walk slow, wont it be feeling like on a moving train and everything in side is just going backward and in fast motion?

People are fighting for each other’s blood, and men are shedding blood for love. Their love are playing with them. People, so called modern people are playing games in the name of love and some fools are falling in it in the name of love. They say “love conquers all” but they perhaps didn’t knew the truth that love is a small poem which starts with Chocolate and ends in condom. After one packet it’s all finished, lucky are the one whose empty packets warn about fat and cholesterol rather than pregnancy. But what if people lose their fear from any warning? Our animal comes out. Human is the only animal which can play with their mind. The last weapon as I say.

Everyone has some bomb shelter in their life, where they know that they will be safe no matter what happens to them, but I have nothing except some mirages and some weak buildings whose base are made with lies. They say no relation should grow upon the base of lies but they also say that to keep any kind of relationship, some small doses of lies are essential. How small, they don’t explain properly perhaps they left it on the users discretion. And we human users are more prone to misuse.

Do you too?
Bye
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