2014

Wednesday – 17/12/2014 – December...

I just reached college. There is no internet yet. The lab is closed. So I thought to make a blog posting. I was not writing regularly because of the lack of substance in my life. It’s utterly boring. Exams are over and I still come to college to get some high bandwidth. I am downloading a game though I don’t know whether I would be able to play it or not. Because I don’t get any chance to play a game. I only watch movies skipping most of the rubbish scenes.

From some days I was matching my horoscope with others and found not much of ideal match. Some people have match in “guna” but they are not “manglik” and others are vice versa. Now many people would argue why I believe in these shits where I myself saw that these don’t work in real life that much. The thing is that I saw my part of horoscope working perfectly for me and that’s why I chose to follow my astrologer’s advice. I saw these things happening. How I disbelieve them?

The fact that I am a lonely guys with almost a fast brain, it works day and night. And believe me it does work in night when I sleep and that’s why I mostly see nightmares. Exams are over and I can’t still sleep till 10’ o clock. I wake up at 5am. Today I woke up at 4am. What’s this going on with me? Why I can’t stay in peace? Am I so restless for just a partner? Maybe. Because I am all alone. I have no one and I value no earthly things as dear as the touch of love. Then why I can just accept any one of them who proposed me? The answer is feelings. I don’t have for them. I can’t create for them. I don’t want to create because I have suffered the result of created love.

That girl, my first love, has ditched another boy and this time it’s uglier. Many people may say that I must be very happy for this as I forbade that boy previously not to fall in love with her and he pretended like I am a dumb person, that’s not. I am sympathetic toward all. I know what he is feeling now. Lots of anger dipped in sorrow. I have felt that thing many times. And it’s not a very merry feeling. Then how I can be happy? I am not. I am just waiting for the karma to react. I want that girl and her family suffer not just because of me but because of their karma. Karma will teach them a hard lesson I am sure of it.

I don’t know what my stars are playing but it seems no one likes me because of that. It’s clearly written in my “kundali” that I will not get any love and if I fell for any I will cry. That’s the biggest prove that my kundali works. And another cruel thing is that because of my “raashi” I will crave for love all the time. I have no regards for any other earthly possessions. Because I know that nothing is forever. No even diamonds are not. And I am not a girl that I will drool over them. The life is bigger than these. For me it’s not iPhone, not MacBook, not any other gadgets. For me its pure love. Pure uncompromised, unabridged, unconditional love and nothing but it.

While writing this teacher came, he opened the lab, perhaps started the net, but it’s not working as of now. And I don’t know why. The Wi-Fi does showing in my list but it’s not accepting any connection. Both my tablet and laptop is offline. Maybe these is some serious fault and think it’s my fate. That’s wit, when I find no one to blame, we blame our fate. Well I think it’s better to blame our fate than to blame someone else and take drastic actions against it.

We should think before we leap, so that later we don’t have to weep.

End of November...

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Maybe it’s been some two months I was not writing anything here. No one questioned anything though but I felt that it’s my responsibility to explain things a bit more elaborately. I was busy. That’s true. But moreover I was sad. Felt numb for quite sometimes. Listening to my inner self. Not feeling any itch in my fingers to write. My eardrums were sore with the noises of silence. The long never ending silence and finally today I broke it with my battle cry.

The day after, the day after tomorrow is the beginning of my semester exams. Am I prepared for it? No. am I expecting a good result out of it? I don’t know. Why not I’m preparing now then? Simply because I’m moody. What happened to my mood? It died….. Who killed it? No one did. It killed itself. Because it’s better to blame myself than to countless others. I don’t need to blame anyone. I’m thankful for everything they did to me. I grew stronger. Am I mad? Perhaps.

What I did for these days? Did nothing basically. Worked hard for my project and achieved a great success and provided marks to some freeloaders who did absolutely nothing in it as usually. But then again I am a team player in my professional life that’s why I have to say to countless people that WE are doing this and WE are doing that. But basically it all happened a one man show. People will understand.

I saw one mobile phone which I can’t buy. I felt some feelings which I can’t express. I felt the urge to do things which I can’t do. I tried to do things which didn’t succeeded. Wanted to impress someone who is hard to please. Wanted to get some air, and I got choked. Some good things happened to me but the time was short and some bad things happened to me whose scars are not going away. I never stopped though but I am a bit tired. Do I need support? No I don’t. Thank you. do I need someone. Yes indeed but not to show some sympathy but to walk besides me. I’m in a race. Maybe a race so long that it preaches neverendingness into my ears.

Some people got married. Some people got carried. Some things were moved. Some things were replaced. But I stayed eternal as a ghost of the living dead. As the remnant of some ancient time. I am not changed and I will not be. Change is the truth. Changing is not. Change happens. I changed a lot but it’s a slow process. I’m not a robot. I can’t be one.

I got the job. Some money is assured. I became good to some people suddenly just because of it. I lost some people because of it. Some enemy grows. Some friends turned their back. Many people disappointed me. Many people did bad. But still I am alive, stronger than ever before. Walking towards the darkness, to become darkness.

I neither wanted any good for me nor I ever expected any. I tried to make people happy. That was my only dream. But people are hard to please. I am poor. I look old. I became erratic, almost bald. I am moody, I am not George Clooney. I am not a gangster, nor I am a hunk, to you I am just a piece of junk. My paragraph might sound a little lyrical but it’s hysterical because I am getting mental.

They say I am not happy. Yes. It’s true. They say I talk dirty. Yes it’s true. Truth is raw. Raw is smelly. With everyone I don’t get jelly. Life is not fair, that’s said by all. I haven’t seen a bit of it that my luck. Do I have a hope? No not anything left.

Have you enjoyed my post? I don’t give a shit.

End of Puja 2014

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Today is Lunar Eclipse and both the pujas have ended, Durga Puja & Laxmi Puja and soon, Kali Puja will end also. I am feeling better now. No cacophony, no noise, no showoffs, no bright flashes, no late night blabbering of people, no Facebook filled pictures of different poses. I will get the mental peace I desire. I think I should take some more days off from studies. I have become lazier now a days. I am following the simple rule of eating & sleeping. Life is a little worriless now, and I am feeling very nice about it. The day before yesterday one of my oldest friend’s aunt has died, she was suffering from long ailment of kidneys and high blood sugar. I prayed for her soul’s smooth departure to the lord’s hand.

There were some people who said that they would meet me in puja, but they didn’t, they were too reluctant to even notify me that they won’t be meeting me. It’s like I don’t hold any value for them. So I have decided not to give a damn to them also. I know if I ask then they will give me umpteen number of excuses which I hate very much. Let them as they are and I will stay in myself. I won’t be going to find someone new because I think finally I have realised that my happiness or sorrow is not in someone else’s hand but mine. It’s me who control’s it consciously or unconsciously.

I can see the god’s connection everywhere. I was not goof at JAVA’s string handling so god sent a student to me and in the process of teaching hr I studied it extensively and after I accomplish what I needed she left. I guess god did that to give me some more time for my studies which I think I kind of neglect due to overburdening myself from various responsibilities. Responsibilities, which have no worth for others when done. Why I would be working for someone else when there is not even a word of recognition and if there is, then they are all fake?

I know that I would have no reader in this blog that’s why I write here almost freely. And if someday someone visits here they will find my memoirs of life. It feel great that even after I will die I will stay for some years in this cyber world but then again who cares about me? No one. I won’t be having monuments or statues in my name. Neither there will be any day celebrated for me. Nor I will have any online community. I will turn to dust and that’s it. So why fight for it? Let it be as it is going and in the meantime just do the good karma and leave the entire thing in the hands of god. He will decide what I need and what I deserve.

Just like someday ago I asked my father to bring me some ₹2 & ₹1 coins. But he gave me only some ₹2 coins and I got some more as my mother don’t need that much and on the next day I found that the student bus fare has been increased from ₹3 to ₹4. So isn't it god’s connection? IT IS. He wanted me to have those ₹2 coins so that I can commute effortlessly in bus. Otherwise ₹1 coins are easily available everywhere.

They say there are many realms. They also say that there are many dimensions of this world where we might be acting as same or differently. Maybe that dimensions are faster or slower than us. Isn't it also possible that god acid tests his judgements on us on different dimensions and then apply on us in this current dimension? They say he can foresee the future but future is getting changed all the time because our present actions. Then how can he sure of our future unless he choreographed our all the moves exactly as he likes so we get to point B from point A as he decided? So whatever we all are doing and happening with us is already written for us exclusively.

But then again there is a concept of “Free Will”. Now this is a very tedious thing for god because like me and other in my profession, he is also a programmer, a coder of the world. I believe so. And is there is something called “Free Will” exists then it will create a big IF-ELSE ladder for the god. And every IF and every ELSE and every combination of nested IF-ELSE would end up taking us to some alternate location other than point B. But no matter what where we reach out it will become point B for us. That’s why future depends on us as we have free will and the power of choosing but also the options are created by god and he knows exactly where we will end up if we follow our choices.

But as our old scriptures are telling us that there is also a DEFAULT case for us created by god where he chooses the “best suited option for the moment” for us and sometimes we get clueless about it. Different questions and doubts surrounds our heads like vultures from hell and we forget about ourselves. That’s why we should either leave everything to god or keep on doing good karma and accept whatever the consequences will be as it’s said in Shreemad Bhagwat Geeta, or we should take the full control of our life and do what feels right to our same judgement and prepare ourselves for the consequences.

In the both cases we should always be prepared for the consequences. Now the question is what is the use of being optimistic all the way? We should be preparing for the worst always and that’s why I think pessimism is the best way to live. To live without expectations and fool’s hope. It will help to achieve the stability of mind and life. As there are no expectations so there will be no after pain of getting then broken. But as a human we always expect and then we our heart, we expect to keep our promise of not to expect again and in the way we expect once again. This is our core nature. We can’t change it. This is the way we are meant and that’s why Pandora opened the box and wrecked the havoc upon us.

Pandora was curious and so is the mankind. The more we know the more we suffer from the brutal reality. At childhood we know little and we cry more to know more. When we know more we cry even more to repent why we knew about it. Like a relation is good and stable as long as you don’t dig deep and discover that the man is a drug addict or a fraud and the girl is not virgin or having an affair with someone else. When you know more than even the most perfectly seeming things become darker. But as in the path of seeking truth having reasonable doubt is the most important thing. Having imagination is necessary but not sufficient unless there is a doubt, not on the imagination but what’s served in front of us as truth, then it will create invention and we finally get the enlightenment of truth.

There are many events in my life by which I can connect the dots and can slightly predict the future and what’s about to happen and I stay prepared. I stay prepared all the time. And yet people call me negative person. Yes I am negative personally but to the person who needs positivity, seeks positivity from me, and sees me as a positive person. Friends, I am neutral. Believe me, I am. It’s onto the eyes of the beholder who sees me as a positive or negative person. I always stay neutral to everything. At least I try to be.

One Day in Mindtree Exam....

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Today, well yesterday actually, we gave our Mindtree exams at our college. We prepared a lot for this but still felt under prepared. It followed AMCAT prescribed format. I am totally devastated because of that. I have disappointed not only many people from my college but myself also. Its the most important. I need to work hard and I will be working harder now. I will not rest during Durga Puja. Wont be watching any movies for pleasure. Wont be playing any games. But I will be solving harder problems by now.

From somedays, I am using IE11 and LibreOffice. Though they need to have more features and updates but still they are fast and eating up my battery and memory less. Though I have an ultrabook and i have upgraded my memory to 8 GB but still I think using resource friendly things will be better. I am now thinking about moving to Linux completely. Using windows is getting problematic day by day. Maybe its smooth but security and space hogging issues are making my life painful.

Again I need to study hard. Today i saw a glimpse of a timeless classic, Amitabh Bacchan's Deewar. Its nice. Missing my female best friend. I don’t know where our lives have parted. She is now so much bound into her life. There is no place for me except some formalities. The life, the spark in our friendship relation has gone. I need that back. From many day I am planning to meet with her in Kolkata but for some unforeseen circumstances I am not able to do that. I also have to take a book from her, the book i gave her and its very much needed for my campussings now.

Somedays ago I again told myself to write something in my blog everyday. But then again I get out of contents sometimes. Because my life is so mundane. Its so alone and filled with darkness. And talking about darkness my future is also seems to be. Well I agree that I am not an optimist in personal life but I am in my professional life. I seek purity and perfection so I stay hungry all the time. You may call me a fool but its the biggest driving force for me.

For the puja time I had a plan to view all the movies I have collected so far, pruning my music library by listening to all of them, installing Ubuntu on my machine and playing most of the games so that I can clean up my pc to some extent but as the time goes by I think I need to study only because no matter what ultimately my competency matters and nothing else. Entertainment will come and go. As our dean sir has stated, we have to leave something to gain something. And I am here sacrificing every happiness just to be more happy in life. I never stopped learning. I even learn from my peers and juniors. I have no ego in that.

Some people may think that to fulfil a page I am writing shits here but no seriously I don’t have much to offer today because I don’t have anything. Nothing happened in my life and there is no thrill. There is plain old black & white life. And maybe its true that I don’t want any spice now. Eating pale foods from many days perhaps that’s why I forgot the taste of spices and now my system wont permit me to have any.

Anyways, two people from my class have been selected for TCS and they will be joining shortly. Don’t know about the Mindtree exam today. But its my belief that many people will get jobs from my class in here, well certainly except me, because I gave such a disastrous exam. I wont say that is haven’t prepared for anything but its a whole new level of exam I gave. I need to do better once again. Have to start from the scratch and I know I will get no one who will help me. But still I will fight alone. I have no help for GATE and NET but still I am hopeful that I will be giving such exams and also I will prepare for AMCAT and ELITMUS. I need to shine, brighter than the sun.

Good Night

Thursday, September 25, 2014...

11:41 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Today I spent a peculiar day, in the morning went to have my pre-scheduled Audiometry tests at a local ENT doctor's chamber. What i realised is that Doctors and Lawyers have no shame in their eyes. They are always seeking the chance to rip out more money out of poor man just to quench their thirst of money. They are two too greedy animals in form of human. There were times when i used to hear god like persona of doctors and lawyers but now they are just leeches who suck blood-money from poor men and provides maltreatments and some doctors also abuses their patients. So doctors need to be killed brutally in public. So that other can feel what they are doing wrong. Even someday ago i saw an article about a doctor who killed a patient deliberately because of ill treatment. My father is a victim of ill treatment. My mother is also to some extent.

Anyway, I had no other way but to consult a relatively less bad doctor in my area. Frankly, I don’t trust any doctor instantly and in my locality I know most of the doctors and I don’t count most of them as qualified doctors even. They don’t know even the generic names of the medicines, they are just a leech of society who feeds on medical representative & common people's blood. Anyway after loosing lots of money in the doctor's chamber for some really silly cause, I saw that there is no time for me to go to college. I needed to go to college for my downloads. I don’t have much time before puja and there are loads of downloads left to be done. Thankfully all the games have been downloaded. Thanks to several repack groups out there, especially R G MECHANICS. I am very thankful to them to compress the games so that common people like us can download. Otherwise downloading a 45GB+ game is very hard even on a 20mbps+ connection.

Then i decided to take the day off as the doctor suggested me to take more rest and reduce my stress level. Yes it is very much true that I am taking very much stress. My life is full of stress and now its hard to tell that I am living a life or a stress. I slept this afternoon but then again as my nature of sleep goes its very thin and i wake up even in a slightest of sounds, light or discomfort. The doctor said that my ears are perfectly normal. As i was fearing that i was loosing my hearing slowly and my voice has been raised very much. The audiometrist assured me that i am not loosing my hearing. The doctor said that I am panicking because of some other psychological issues. He said that its because of my stress and depression. But tell me who don’t have stress and depression? There is NO sure-shot way to handle it. Someday ago there was a series of classes took place in our college from art of living. But I couldn’t attend it just because its way too costly for me to afford.

Load shedding has became an epidemic in Asansol and due to that we are also suffering from severe water outage. Its is the gift from state government to Asansol because we made BJP winner here. Well no matter what, BJP is far more better than TMC at this point in my personal view. Though I am apolitical and i know that whoever goes to Lanka becomes Ravana. Asansol has nothing to offer now. The whole India is nothing to offer to the COMMON man. Remember, I am not talking about the 1% of the society, the rich men, I am talking about the people like me. Who are belong to the masses and they are often overlooked. We are taken as granted and always oppressed.

Then in the evening I got an email from my college stating that Mindtree is coming to our college for an in-campus hiring and the preliminary rounds of online aptitude tests on Saturday so it means I have less than 48 hours to get prepared and I need to be all presentable. I need that job and in any way I have to get that job no matter what it takes i will try my level best. There are lots of people who want me to succeed and there are way more praying for the opposite but as i believe in karma i know that no one has the power to give or take away the job from me. If i am right and doing right, right is bound to happen to me. This is the way karma works and if its not working as we are expecting it to be then there are a bigger plan waiting for us all. But we much not stop knocking on the every door we come across. And inshallah someday, opportunity will knock on our doors itself.

Lastly I would like to say that its been many a days i am not talking fully and properly to my so called female best friend just the like we used to. Rather I am talking to another person al day long whenever i get any chance, who made me her bestest best friend. Its an honour to become someone's so trusted friend. Am I blessed or curse? Really its the question of the hour.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

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This blog I am writing using the latest of LibreOffice. This is a test document as well as a very nice way to reintroduce myself to my blogging. Its been on my list from many day to write something on my blog. Recently I tested some new type of postings on my blog, basically they are of test pages. Then I told to myself that why on earth, I am not writing anything to it?

Recently I was being busy. Very busy into my life. It was going in a routine of waking up, coming to college, do the college and download some stuffs over the net and then going to food stalls eatig 1 big vegg roll and half plate veg chow and back to home, doing nothing, talking to my one new friend over Hike messenger and then going to sleep. I was working hard to study more but its not giving any fruit and in a way I was becoming more frustrated.

Some series of events took place. Firstly there was a news that the biggest of our Indian It company, TCS is coming to our college for hire. But after viewing their criteria requirement list I was depressed because according to that i am ineligible for their company and job position. That is no doubt heart brekening to any final year student, who invested lots of money for his education and now he came to his time of returning that money and still he is INELIGIBLE for the job.

But WHY the hell he is ineligible? Its because he has just a line below the qualifying marks in his Higher Secondary result. Or, some person have low marks in his Secondary exams, or someone has low marks in his graduation results, thats too because of the idiocracy of his university. Is it so needed for the job in IT? I mean all those subjects like Bengali, English, Hindi, Sanskrit, Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Biology etc etc etc ?? will he gonna be implement those in any IT industry? NO WAY MAN. No matter who says what. IT industry will never gonna need those things.

There is seriously something wrong about this once great nation. There are reservations based on caste and cadre where it is by default assumed that the lower caste students have money problem always, where it is completely different. The reservation should be solely based on the merit and proverty level not on some stupid caste system. But in Indian vote bank politics, it is happening from a long time and it will continue happen.

At the times of British Rule, to them we are all same old Indian Nigger dogs. And thats why they started to treat us all SAME. Being treated like SAME we become SAME and this sameness brought unity and we were able to force british to leave their 200 years old colony. Now, after so much cry and hue when we got out freedom then suddenly everybody becomes somebody. And as they say “when everybody becomes somebody, then somebody becomes nobody”. And thats what happening here right now. No one is giving value too anyone. Everyone thinks that he/she is too much important where its completely opposit. No one cares now a days what you are in reality. Its all about showoff.

Okk many of my readers may think that this person is completely frustrated but its not. I am a realist and i see the big picture very clearly. I have a broad vision and i am not afrad of anyone. Because freedom is for everyone. I dont care for any political party or any power. I have power in myself. Yes, i know that now a days our ruling state part TMC is telling everyone to kill and rape and thats too ina brutal form. They are killing raping people just like any political party does. Even the CPIM's hands are ful of blood but then again they took 34 years to become a monster and this new TMC party is already a behemoth in terms of bloodthrust. They are killing people, controlling police, and changing statements just like a gangster. In this new dawn of forwardness we are witnessing the rise of syndicates and mafia like any Italian gangster of USA.

Finally they beaten student of JU like street dogs without any warning. Its like British rule when they ysed to do that with students who tried to protest their ill doings. Well at that time i dont think this much brotality took place. I still remember the incident of Ashutosh college where a CPM student was killed britally by TMC and thats too within a months of two of TMC's coming of power.

Will you still call this madness? No. I will not. I will say thats its very natural. When you give anyone too much of a power. These kind of things happens.

Monsoon Has Come…

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I am again now at college. Writing this blog while the sky is very upset. It’s like a sad girl, hiding her face behind the curtain of her long thick black hairs, crying silently. I hate rain so much. And most probably many of you know this already from my previous blogs of past year. Every time I write the same old things that how much I hate mud, moisture, smells, flies, and foul smells from clothes. In the time of rain, I use deodorants, more on clothes than myself. People often argue about the grace of rain and how beautiful it is. Especially girls like to get wet in rain and dancing (like some freaking Indian drama, be it soap or movie) but I like to stay away from rain. I don’t like to get wet anytime. And in rainy time I always feel like moist because of the high moisture level in weather.

This monsoon time, Muslims has their Ramadan and roza and all their festivals, and every year this time, onions’ price gets arise. Middle class people like us get to suffer the most. While politicians do what they can do the best, they make it a political issue and attacks each other on this matter. It’s really amusing to see that on the same topic when this government is supporting as a ruling party, on the same issue, another year they will start to oppose it when they become opposition to the ruling party. Now the confusion again hits the middle class people like us. And we became the collateral damage in the fight of kings.

Today I came to college much before the opening time in the fear of heavy rain. Even the bus conductor was looking at me with amazement but couldn’t speak anything to me as because I look serious in public and I was in a full uniform and as in the place of college there is no place for entertainment I couldn’t be coming here for any kind of fun while giving the half bus fare of student. Even I sometimes think myself as mad person. I mean why I do this? What is in here me except free fast internet? Just for that sake of downloading I come here and I am sure that I will going to miss this speed when I leave the college. Because in corporate world I can’t download much from organization’s internet. Surely it’s all for work and no play. Can’t invest in faster connection in home because I might not get the time to be at home. But as I am in love with movies and game and content collection to some extent it will be very hard for me to stay away.

I collect books, I collect music. Except these, I delete all the things after use. Its eco-friendly and doesn’t took toll on my storage space. That’s why online distribution is better than anything. It reduces wastage. It has a great potential to reduce cost but as the publishers are greedy they increase the price day by day and only give a little discount on selected days. I once tweeted to steam to open up a virtual store for India and give us some discounts but they refuse to do that maybe because I didn’t get a reply from them and neither they announced any shop for India lately. But they have a huge potential to do that and to eradicate piracy for ever.

Movies and serials can also be sold in India with very low cost and obviously with advertisements and advertisement-free mode to the customers at low and premium rates in this way people will get their daily entertainment without breaking their tight schedule. There is a huge scope of this with the advent of CAS and DTH in India. Companies can also provide faster direct satellite internet service with these. But perhaps our DoT is too much reluctant to do that. Actually there is a huge scope which can be exploited in India but because of the non interest of our government’s side this opportunity is getting lost day by day. Any Indian company is not yet technically competent or financially motivated to do this kind of venture as a solo mission. And foreign companies are ready to exploit the market but they can’t enter here with the political instability of policies but I think that this home market should be used to fill up our home pockets, not the foreign ones. It is true that almost every single thing is either designed by America or made by china in our great nation and we have become only a customer. Where we have the huge potential to be the BOSS.

What you say?

A Not So Complex Thought About Sexuality – Part 4

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But then again what will happen to the people who have done one or couple of mistakes in their life? And what if they have done it for numerous times with numerous people? Will they become so much of untouchable? What is they confess? What it they accept it? Will their truth should be left unappreciated? Should they be left deprived of love?

Suppose you have accepted someone. After sometimes you get a family. Kids and more. What if their previous partner re-appears in their life and again tries to make union with them? They have already done it so doing one more time will do no harm, isn’t it? What if they appear in YOUR life and makes fun of you because you are using their USED product? What it will make of your self-esteem? Suppose people get to know about this, they will make fun of yours, and given the high phatic society of India, they will laugh on your face. What you will do about it? You will have no way but to suicide or live with shame. In this precise moment I would follow the Japanese tradition of Honour.

Okk, if we consider that they didn’t loved them and just had pleasure with them. It proved that they are slut/stud. And if they had feelings for them and they had made love then this feeling of love can’t be abolished. Love is an energy which can’t be finished. At first their consciousness and morality will keep them to commit any mistake but if their love was so passionate it will soon fade away and then you will either end up having a liar’s family, hypocrite partner or a torn apart family. Where everyone is clueless about what’s going on with one another.

Out of frustration either you will do something wrong or start having your own affair with someone else for the need of love care and obviously sex. Because you are not going to touch someone else’s branded meat. Are you? Then tell me my friend, what will happen to your family if you have produced kids? What will happen to their life? Sending them to boarding school will only make them feel unloved and a soul like that will never learn to love anyone and a domino effect will start where they will not purely love anyone and they will never be loyal to anyone.

You can’t measure loyalty. You can’t just make you’re your faith, well if otherwise you didn’t have chosen to stay blind dumb and mum to the incidents around you and chose to follow blindly no matter whom or what. Following something blindly will not only make you look like a fool but also will destroy you like Dhritarashtra.

From my perspective you should live with someone to you are first and foremost priority, more than their own self. Be that person is virgin or non-virgin, had sex for love or pleasure. It’s up to your consciousness my friend. But, if that person makes you feel like THE King/Queen, go for him/her. If they excel in all your tests of loyalty then go for them. Test them. Grind them. Make them bleed and cry but if every drop of their blood and tear says that it loved you, go for them. Never take anything blindly, grow up your faith and then have a full trust or like I do is to trust 100% like baby but keep an eye on them and on their slightest of mistake cut their score mercilessly.

Above all try to respect yourself. A person who knows to respect their self is respected by all and knows to give respect to all. Never take yourself for granted. If you have love written in your luck you will get it in your life no matter from where. Losing a person is not the end of the world. There are plenty in this world, for everyone there is a matching partner. God didn’t made us all just to stay alone.

I tried to tell you all, all the possible aspects and their outcomes of this mindless modern sexuality. I felt the urge to make you all aware of this and also to make myself a clear note. See. I am a human also. I too get confused and when I will become one hell of a confused soul my words will make me think once again because I am a lonely soul and I have no one besides me. I am my only friend. And so are you.

But let me tell you something even more, something i saw in Yahoo! Answers couple of days ago. Someone wrote there in a very good language that "You have to keep reminding yourself that: You are in love with this girl now, been dating her "for a year" and want to have sex with her. Say she was ready for it. Right now. You two had sex. A few weeks later, something went wrong, and you two break up. Then your next girlfriend is just as devastated that you've slept with somebody else. And you love this new girl completely, but you LOVED this other girl, and that's why you did it. You can't take it back, and it felt right at the time, you loved her. You would never do it again NOW, now that you love this new girl, and would take it back if you could, just to make it happy, but in a way you feel like you don't want to erase these memories, they were good while they lasted, but now you're happy with someone else and your feelings have changed.

In this way, maybe you can accept this, or catch her in her lie by just leaving her alone until she's ready to tell you. Until then, leave the sex talk alone, and do the things I suggested before diving right into something serious, and the only thing that can result in pregnancy.

Don't marry a virgin, marry the one you love. You don't have to first, but strive to be her best and her last."

A Not So Complex Thought About Sexuality – Part 3

9:58 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

I see now a days people get into relationship fast, starts to explorer each other, then have sex just like that, and then leave each other with so called NO HARD FEELINGS and keep on MOVING ON. The current generation is very cool about it. It was not very easy in old times but now thanks to several types and flavours of condom and pills sexuality is a piece of cake. Healthy sex is now considered as variety of sex. Deepthroat, hardcore, bondage, role-play, incest, these are some of the keywords. Sorry for my limited vocabulary, I don’t have much knowledge about all these. I stay away from them. It’s not because I am showing the world how saint I am or showing that I don’t need. It’s because I CAN. And I DON’T NEED. Why? Simply because my self-control. But anyways my postings on this topic is not about showing myself as a good boy. It’s about something bigger. Yes bigger.

Virginity is now a days as cheap as losing it. People don’t feel any guilt for it. It’s like JUST DO IT kind of thing now a days. People don’t feel it like keeping it to themselves. The generation now a days feel that everyone is doing, why shouldn’t we? But the thing is, who are these EVERYONE? This everyone is the youth. I am a youth too and despite of my looks I am a better youth than any tom dick harry out there. Having youth doesn’t means abusing it. It’s a power. And as with all great power, comes great responsibilities. It is our responsibility to make our youth not the cause of regret of future.

Some people argues that sex is a part of love and vice versa. But I say that it’s an outcome of love. It’s not a necessity or product or result of love. It’s a not a mandatory part. It’s not a proof of love. If I would love my partner I would never try to steal their dignity, their self-respect no matter how much they are willing to give it and those people who talk about the sparks of being together forgets that I have also been together with some. Never tried to fuck them. Because what I believe, and what many will disagree to, is that something should come in a series and having sex comes after marriage in my dictionary. Again I am saying that I am not any saint but I don’t want to be any sinner. My morality is my police. And if I cause harm to anyone it will haunt me down always.

Whoever thinks that sex is for fun, is a fool. Who think that sex is just a pleasure is living under tons of lies and I feel pity for them. Because in the end you will all become alone and then you will need only love because sex will not be possible. Now some people are there who thinks that they are over smart. They flirt with, have relationship with hot guys/girls, enjoys their sex life to optimum, and then marries someone with good heart by either making them fool or emotionally weak by feeding them tons of bullshit and they think that they conquered all the odds and got best of both worlds. But then again they forget that there is no power bigger than truth. Yes truth can be bended, adjusted and tailored sometimes to fit with the reality but it can’t be hidden forever. So confession is always the best way of avoiding it. But then again it’s up to the mentality of the other person to accept or reject that person based on the hard truth.

Truth should always be appreciated but not that much which can bend the very fabric of life and mental peace. For example if you have married any non-virgin guy/girl. Could you sleep in peace while they are not in front of your eyes? Tell me the truth. Swear by the name of god and cross your heart with it and then tell me. No you can’t unless you get the 100% faith of their loyalty. One of my friend said “What is lost, is lost forever”. Well soul matters to me more than flesh. But then again we all have our mortal traits. You can trust them with your life but not with your heart. You will always live in a constant fear that while you are away somebody is warming up their bed and it happens to men and women alike. Especially for men because of their very insecure nature.

So would you accept someone who is been with someone better than you? Ask yourself.

A Not So Complex Thought About Sexuality – Part 2

9:56 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Now, there comes my version of the story. As I already stated that world has just became the playground for finding the biggest and the best performing body parts. What I think now is that sexuality is good as long as it contains in yourself. It’s not a thing to show off. If you want to enjoy, enjoy with your life partner or with whom you love 100% and more than that. Sex should come from the inner soul. Straight from the heart and not from your wet vagina or hard dick. It should be the ultimate destination of sex. Not the outcome of a date. Every sex should be a lovemaking not just a good fuck. And it should be done with only one partner on which you have locked your soul on not with anyone or everyone.

If it is done violating everything that I have said so far then it’s just for the fleshly pleasure. Then we have no difference from the beasts. Humans are biologically polygamous. It is scientifically proven and a hard truth. Men are here to spread the seeds and females are here to bear and produce fruits from that seed. But by the grade of lord we also have our consciousness. Any act of sex apart from lovemaking is for the pleasure and its only shows the sex hungry beast inside you. It shows your wild side. While it might be considered as cool now but after the glorified days of youth will go away with time and all the sparkles of life with fade away and you will left out with not the regrets of fucking or getting fucked as much and as more as you could but with the deep regret of loneliness & the hunger you can’t quench. Masturbation is ok for me. Though I don’t follow much but its okk from my side. Even couple of years back I took it as a heinous thing to do but I consider it now given that the sudden surge in the libido level of current generations and also the good medical and psychological effects which I have studied.

Okk, I agree that there are people with less libido, normal libido and high libido. I consider myself on a higher side but that doesn’t means that I will throw my morality. No, never. And my moral consciousness is very clear to it. I will only do it with my lawfully wedded wife. But what if she is not a virgin at all? Well if she says me it before marriage or even relationship then I bow down to her truthfulness as I am a disciple of truth. I will consider her only if she is raped, abused, forced or was madly in love with her lover or partner. If they have lost it during masturbation or sports I will consider. I will consider her if she is a divorced one or a widow. I am not so much of an orthodox person, I am a rather very flexible one but even the water don’t forget its nature and so do I. my core principals will stand strong. I mean, what’s a man without any principal and discipline?

But who do sex for pleasure, to quench their thirst of sex. To take any dinner as one night stand, to take any relationship as licence to have a fuck, to have casual sex, to have fuckbuddies, these are some of the so called modern aspect of sexuality which we are adopting from western countries and its justified as we are being fed constant bullshit of western countries in the name of growth. We are bound to behave like them. But as those were not our default nature we will behave like hybrids. People who even take the sex as a pleasure and thinks that sex can be done with anyone or everyone with slightest of liking is nothing but a slut or stud. How to expect any loyalty from them especially after a relationship or a marriage?

They will go after anyone who has a big dig or big boobs. Even after marriage they will not be satisfied because in their earlier life they have tasted BIGGER than you and if they are not slut/stud and fucking/getting fucked by someone else they might take you for granted for you rather small size or low performance in bed. You might not be wild enough in their scale. If they are not having what they think they deserve in their life, for they are sexier than you, and better than you, and if they are not getting it from some other guy or girl, and if they are forced to have a life ONLY with YOU then they might think that they are sacrificing their life. They will think that they are compromising and the will start to demand something more and midlife crisis will occur in your life at an early stage. They will start to live their own life and your family will break into peace. Well, I surely don’t want my partner to fake it just to please me. I want the real thing, real expression from her. People often fake many things at their intimate time and after some days it becomes nothing but formality and even later, hypocrisy. I HAVE SEEN THESE THINGS TAKING PLACE. In many books, literature, in real life. I have seen them all. I can simulate them in my mind. Mind is a powerful tool if used properly.

Isn’t it?

A Not So Complex Thought About Sexuality – Part 1

9:54 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

It’s been a while since I wrote something from a very logical view. But during this course of time I get to think about something new from a very deeper aspect. From a wider aspect. As I am a bit more of a thinker than doer, I think it was expected from me. No I am not in my potty. But still my concentration level is almost at its optimum level. Whatever I am thinking now is logical. Well the thinking about sex and sexuality is not very uncommon in what the age I am crossing through by the grace of god. But my aspect is little different, my perspective is wide and my approach is little bit well it’s kind of a hybrid I guess so. Well you will come to know about this later in this post.

For someday I was thinking about this. About this whole sex and sexuality thing. First of all there comes this Hindu orthodox thing that I should stay virgin and will only do union with a virgin girl and all those strict things which forbids adultery for normal people like us. I am a Hindu so I talked about Hinduism, I studied other religions also and they also talk the same about it more or less. And secondly there comes this western influenced, so called, modern society, open mentality, current version of sexuality which blasts off all the restrictions of the above specified orthodox thinking. The modern version says that sex is a part of life and it should be accepted as it comes. Have sex, have fun, with whoever doesn’t matter. Its only one life you have so enjoy it as long as possible because this youth is not going to stay forever. And what’s more pleasurable than a good sex? Whats more than having the more?

People often search for better sex partners. It is the search which has started from the very beginning of human kind. Even earlier than the first wheel or spark of light made by man. Someone who can make their bed rock. Someone who is equally good in bed like they are in their respective fields. Boys looks for bigger breasts, Girls searches for bigger penis. In general this is what people mainly look for. People spend more in their sexuality enhancement accessories than they spend for their actual medical bills. This is current statistics. And many people are encasing it for their own means and business. Condoms, pills, under-garments, anything and everything is now a days sold through sex and sexuality. Sexuality has become the new religion for people. Porn magazines, porn videos, porn books are now very common and could be found in any class 5 student’s Chinese phone’s memory card. A good business indeed for selling phones, memory cards, porns and obviously no wonder why mobile service providing is booming in India.

The science of attractiveness is changing continuously. It is dynamic. Today what could be taken as attractive could be discarded as ugly tomorrow. Once the fatty chubby body was considered sexy. Having long hairs was sexy. Then came the era of curvy body. Now its skinny body. It was blonds earlier (for say Madonna) and now even dark skinned girls are on the top list of sexiness (Beyoncé anyone?) so this is very dynamic scenario where nothing is fixed. But then again some key ingredients remained the same. That is essentially & mainly with the size. Shape can be adjusted in the due course of time but size is a must for everyone and everything. Be it from mobile phones to the cloud storage and body parts. Everyone wants larger meat that they can take a bite on.

“Size does matters”. It is said by almost every people any gender alike. It is followed like one of the Ten Commandments. Today people continuously searches and changes partner in the quench of MORE. “The bigger it is, the better”, more size, more money, more power, more curve, more enjoyment, more SEX. The hunger has been increased. The want has become the new need. People crave for the more. They take pills, they do things for making their stuff bigger and better and who has the bigger and better stuffs with them is called the alpha and omega of clan be it for male or female alike. Who has the sexiest of body could rule the world this is now the new mantra. Everything comes easily and naturally to them. They are the centre star of every galaxy.

Isn’t it?

Friday – 27/06/2014 – 9:53 AM

10:38 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Well, still the lab is off while I saw the technician sir here. I have already wrote 2 posts and still there is no sign of opening the lab and starting on the Wi-Fi. But one thing I have seen that I can write one full page of post in MS WORD on an average of 20 minutes and that is a thing to proud for I guess. And it is also that I have many things to write. I might publish my autobiography someday later and those will be compilation of my blogs. Blogging has become my medicine of loneliness. Some may call me mad. As I talk to a website through a machine but aren’t we all doing the same on Facebook. I mean what are those friends except some data bits of Facebook’s American server? Are they real? Most of them are fake as possible they could be.

10:00 AM

This is way too much of waiting I have done for anything. Almost one hour I am here without any internet which I need the most. And I have no alternate way to do so. Feeling bad now. I spent my whole time here writing some posts and yet there is no way to publish them. But no matter what I will not stop writing because this is the one thing that I can do better. I also have to send a SMS to my friend. She sent me a good night wish, that wish made me feel special, and it would be very rude if I don’t reply her back with a SMS though I gave her a missed call but as my one of friend once told me that miss calls are no way of keeping contacts. Anyways day by day Facebook messages which are coming in my mobile phone are getting irritating. I have to find a way to stop them. I only wanted sms of msg which were sent to me through fb by some friend over there but all I am getting all shitty things like postings, comments, and likes that too on some other people’s profile. I don’t know Facebook is doing this intentionally or not just to make people unsubscribe from it by their own will and in turn Facebook will save on some money from sms servers.

No matter what this whole cyber world game is very unpredictable, unstable and fast moving. And I am becoming old school day by day. People were blogging way before the Facebook and after that there was a declining in blogger’s number due to it. Some hybrid service like tumbler too couldn’t keep this number on the other side of the pole. The actual thing is that people like communicating with other more than anything. And the virtual world is giving people super power to becoming what they want and to whom they want. With a single click a looser can become a winner. Power to pretend has increased exponentially.

10:15 AM

I went to the other lab and saw that Wi-Fi is not present there also. Maybe there is some problem taking place today in either of my devices I am not sensing even the Wi-Fi node’s presence. I chose not to disturb the technician sir and nag about this to him. But the waiting is becoming unbearable. I didn’t came to college in this morning to just to listen to my music collection that I can do in my home also. But i don’t know I am workaholic or not but if somehow my work gets disrupted I get so furious and right now my good feeling for today is fading away slowly and my rage is coming out of me.

I knew there would be some problem coming because I am feeling good but let’s see who wins. I will be holding my calm no matter what. Bring it on god. All the wrath you can usher upon me. I am here. I will be here to endure them all. I will not lose without a fight because apart from a lover I am a fighter also. Luckily I saw technician sir now and told him to please start the wifi. And I saw him switching it on and I don’t know what going to happen next but I certainly hope for the good. As I already said I hope for the best and expect the worst from everything that’s coming in my way from start to end. There was no good happened to me till date and if anything happened I understood that this is it. Problem is on its way.

Friday – 27/06/2014 – 9:30 AM

10:37 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Okk, the lab is still closed and I am really worried about it. I mean I have lots of things to do besides downloading and I need internet ASAP. Well now a days I am writing too much just because I feel that slowly Facebook is becoming a big turn off in my life. It’s not just enough to express myself and people are so dumb there that they actually believe that sharing some post of liking on something will bring the Jesus to the earth. What the heck they were thinking anyways? I have seen morons but they explain a really another level of moronism, if there is anything like that actually. Twitter I use just to contact with my mobile and internet service providers to express my grievance publicly. Because I see that they response there quicker than any call to helpline.

Students have already came to the department for their daily training and I am fearing about losing my slot of the packet data. But anyways as they always say “Jindegi Jhand hay, fir bhi ghamand hay”, till I am alive there is hope. And the hope is something which keeps everyone alive or kill. Either ways it’s a powerful thing which can motivate as well demolish. There is a faint discrimination between hope and expectation. While hope says that there will be good soon, expectation says good is coming. Now hope stays static and it is up to the beholder’s patience level. But expectation increases exponentially if even the slightest glimpse of hope is seen. That’s why expectation hurts more than having hope.

And it’s very humane to have hope and falsely take it to the level of expectation. Human mind can’t differentiate between them commonly. And there is another interesting thing about the expectation that no matter what people always expect for good and the expectation is not always logical, it is sometimes based on vague interpretation of surroundings and they often proves themselves fake. And whose expectation proves right they call it their sixth sense but as world’s renowned mentalists and deception specialists have said that the sixth sense is nothing but the amalgation of all five senses. And no matter how negative the person is, the expectation always turns into a positive one and this is where it contradicts with the people’s nature. People who are alive never expect to die. They always have hope to live more and more. That defies logic. But still ask any teenager they will certainly tell you about being superman.

But if the insight of philosophers are studied correctly and interpreted with correctness then anyone can realise the fragility of life and its existence. The base of hope and the thorns of expectations. That’s why in every holy book it’s told not to hold expectation while they always increases the hope for good in the people. God said in those books, no matter from which religion they are, I simply take them as alien life form, anyways, they always told that they will come to save. But when some girl is being raped by 17 people one after another where is that god? There is always evil. So I don’t think there exists any being like god. Some of his works are very unfair and again there is a justification for that in the books of gods. They say that the gods work defies the logic of mere human brain but that still can’t explains the necessity of getting raped by 17 people. Please god explain to me. If we were all created in the image of your’s and if there is some little bit of god inside us then how can god allows another 17 gods (!) to abuse one god? It contradicts his words.

Maybe god was having a good time with alcohol while he delivered his speech. It happens often with the man of power. We have seen it from the medieval days. People talking shit while drunk. Maybe god does that too. Because apart from the power of teleportation and amazing weapons of mass destruction they also created demigod by fucking humans (that also explains the sudden evolution of humankind) and declaring wars.

So expectation is good as long as it doesn’t defies the logic. Hope is essential as long as you keep your sanity. Isn’t it?

Friday – 27/06/2014 – 9:10 AM

10:36 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Good Morning. I am at my college again and I am in time I guess. The lab is still off. I hope sir is coming soon. Well this morning time is very essential for me as I already told you guys many time. This is kind of a power-play for me. Today I hope to get more movies than yesterday because I got a vantage point this time. I am not sharing it in here but I guess people will come to know eventually. The morning is not so good. I woke up with some nightmare in my eyes and well this time by lord’s grace I don’t remember it, I guess it was scarier than I can handle. And in morning I saw one of my friend’s SMS written good night in it. Well I switched off the mobile last night. I am doing this for 2 days now. I don’t want to hold any expectations from it. If I could then I would have terminated my mobile subscription for ever because I don’t want to become any person’s helpline service. When they need me they find me and when I need then they simply disappear. I don’t want any people to perform any DUTY to me. No one is obliged to me and I don’t want drones under me. I am not anyone’s slave and I am no one’s master also.

This after semester time will soon run out and I will be hard boiled with the burden of next semester and I am prepared for it. Bring it on. It doesn’t matter to me that I am from IIM / IIT / NIT or not. I am a passionate person and I have done some things which no people dreamt of. And anyways fighting every breath for a little amount of happiness can only be compared as the gold miners from the era of American Gold Rush. They too dig up all the dirt to get a gram of gold. This is called passion towards life. No matter I am a pessimist or optimist. This passion has no alternative. I am feeling full of life this time. Though ii know I am constantly telling lie to myself but maybe this lie is my life. This lie is what filled me with power. No matter die or live today I will celebrate my last breath. This is my promise today. Though my daily horoscope is telling otherwise but who cares. If I start to care about everyone’s junk then I will lost my self. Listening to any mindless person is as good as listening to an empty vessel. I want to hear to the mountains, to the sky. As they will keep on remind you about your own soul. They have a way to touch your heart and to show you the truth.

Sometimes we all need to take off our coloured glasses of life to actually enjoy the life. Sometimes to see the world you have to get out of it. Sometimes the darkness will make you realise the importance of light. Because without another, one has no existence. Writing a blog every day is a very nice thing to do I consider that because I have no one to talk and the only thing I talk to is my laptop perhaps as it’s a very loyal friend to me. Never complains about anything. Runs silently and always responses. Today I am feeling more connected to myself though as a matter of fact I was refused from my home for any money for the latest movie of Transformers. Now what can I do about it? I am dependent on them. Can’t complain about the free things. Right?

When I open Facebook now a days, I see all people are either settled or on the verge of settling down with someone or something. I should settle down with myself first. Yesterday I saw a couple sitting together holding each other’s arms in my known fast food shop where they were enjoying each other’s company more than egg-chicken roll. I felt so good watching them. Somewhere my emptiness told me that THIS is life. This is the moment to cherish for. I didn’t felt any anger, jealous, sorrow, hatred I felt calm and peace. I felt happiness. Maybe this is because I don’t have any, and they were radiating happiness everywhere. No matter what it was good. It’s not that the boy is too handsome or the girl is too beautiful but they are complimenting each other and this is what really matters. The compatibility is the main ingredient of every relationship be it a friendship, love or marriage. Without it the relation becomes nothing but a hollow shell which slowly turns into a cage or iron and from which people desperately try to get out and finally they break all the vows and go berserk on it. I don’t want to become a caged animal. I am free and I keep other people free also.

This is my life’s motto. To be free, to stay free. Cheers to the freedom. Long live the freedom.

Thursday – 26/06/2014

4:52 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

9:15AM

Good morning my friends. I am again at the college. Again for the downloading. Again will follow the same routine to find new movie and game torrents at some specific sites. Again I will find the Hindi & English songs at some specific sites. Will view Facebook. Wish birthdays. I will watch people getting into relationship and getting engaged, married and will wish them on that. Will check my mail and will delete all the spams from the inbox after marking them as spam. Will check my other email accounts and clear out the junks. I will then again start to struggle to download at a proper speed. Will run here and there, this floor and that floor to get Wi-Fi signal. Will curse on people who are responsible for my this misery and then when my struggle will finally end at 5pm, I will go straight to my permanent fast food stall and will have exactly one plate of veg chow with lots of chili sauce and veggies and lods of mutton gravy.

4:06PM

Again I am starting to write my incomplete posting. One more hour left for me here. Today I got good speed maybe it’s because I found a good place to download and also I got clarification of lots of things. I realizes that a male is only worth of his position in any company and his bank balance. The psychology of a girl’s parent are like this. If the person willing to marry their daughter is working in private company then he have to be in the position of VP, CEO, CFO, MD or something equivalent of that. Self-business will be accepted if you ae one of Tata Birla Ambani Goyenka etc. if you are government employee then for rail and bank you have to be in a post greater than equal to Regional Manager. Of you have to be MLA, MP, IPS, IAS etc. and if their daughter is beautiful and somewhat sexy then anything below the point of NRI is just unacceptable. And if by chance the person is a student then anything below the rank of IIM IIT NIT is just waste of the daughter’s parent’s time.

Updated my tab with lots of music. Some of them are really good. Hearing them on loop is feeling nice. So the melody haven’t died from the world. There might be some special class or seminar will take place because our principal came to visit classes with two other people whom I don’t know. I am such a fool that I forgot to even wish him because I because so unprepared for his arrival. Actually it was totally unexpected. I was just froze. Actually I was watching a movie. With my headphones on. I don’t know what he thought about me that moment but as a known face of the department he might expected a wish from me and I disappointed him.

In my life I disappointed many people. May be I disappointed my last so called GF by saying that getting into IIM IIT is not possible for me now and becoming IAS or IPS is also not possible. Finally she said to get the fucking out of her life. And I will do that for sure. I mean I won’t be wasting my time for her because she is a dead end and I realised that today. I am only worth of my pocket and my pocket is empty now. I disappointed my parents many times. Maybe I have disappointed my best friends also. Otherwise why they would turning their face on me? But there is nothing I can do now. I am just like that. A big fat looser maybe.

She just prove my mother right once again. My mom told me that her father won’t be giving up his daughter to me because I am poor and belong to a poor family. Maybe experience comes with the price of white hairs. But anyways I myself like to have the experience in the first hand term. Strangers are good at talking that I realised now a days. Because I don’t have friends and it’s better to talk to friends than to people who just pretend friendly.

I hate human nature to pretend… it’s a big turn off.

Another Chapter Closed…

12:25 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

As I have already told all of you in my previous blog that I am on a blogging spree and the god is keep on giving me incidents after incidents to write upon. And luckily I am not writing on a paper otherwise it would have been a huge waste. But if now I don’t write I will not find any other time because my mind has become very unstable now. Just a few moment ago our so called relationship broke up. She couldn’t bear the pain of getting tormented day by day by her family and extended family. Well I will not keep any hard feelings for her. She was crying and I don’t know that those were real or not and as my nature goes I will not become Sherlock to find out again this time. I chose to believe and keep my calm in me. It’s not that I will die without her but surely one part of myself is killed today. Killed by some people whom I will never forget and I curse them hell. The people who are part of this conspiracy will die and let pain be their only friend. If I am true and there is Brahmin alive in me. Let there be my wrath rain upon them.

I hope someday her parents will understand the value of me and they had to understand it. I leave the god the judgement of it and he will judge out the things for me. This time I want to see them bleed in agony. Anyways as I am keeping my calm. I will see till the end. Well my plan of not giving up without a fight has failed again because the person for whom I decided to fight for has broken all the connections. One of my brother said that not every dream comes true but what the hell? None of my dreams come true. They never did.

I told her to wait for me till I get the job but I am not expecting anything. ANYTHING at all. This chapter maybe again the smallest chapter so far in my life of just about 4- 5 days. Things are getting great day by day. Isn’t it? Last time it was at least 14 days, now it’s much less. I guess next chapters will go on hour and minute basis.

Okk again my internet has been cut off. Nah I am not hating this. No matter what happens today nothing will compare to the pain I had to endure for some shitheads. Internet cuts all the time and gets back no matter how much time it needs to come back but in my case nothing comes back. Maybe moving forward is the nature of them all. I know after some days new semester will commence, new people will come to college, after my MBA exam I will enter into another phase of my life. The job seeking life and I know I will get some. But again what is use of all these? Nothing. They never mattered for me. I always seek for the soul. Soul is the only thing which matters. Love care affection loyalty honesty honour these are part of my life. And I don’t have most of them currently that’s why I don’t think I am alive. I am not dead either but I am somewhere in zombie state.

Dreaming of happiness is like a sin. I am cursed forever. But I will keep on fighting till I collapse. I know many more things are yet to come to me. I am all alone to fight with them in battle. May be the war is the only thing in my life. Battling over inside out. I am on verge of losing my sanity over here. And I have no one to help me with. I am all alone. Sometimes I get suffocated of telling all these. What’s the use of crying all aloud and increasing the cyber junk with my blogs if no one is going to listen to it? Right now I hate everyone. It’s not in my nature to hate or hold the grudge but it’s happening again. I know it will stay for some time. And then it will go away but it will never fade because the older I am growing day by day my memory is becoming sharper and I may forgive easily but I mark my enemies and never forget them. People are nothing but animals and they deserve to be treated like one. Some people just came under the level of animals for me and they will be treated like that from me in future. and there will be no mercy for them. I wish them all getting slaughtered in hell.

And if god won’t help me. I will help myself.

In My College - Wednesday - 25/06/2014

11:24 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

I am now in college the college lab is still off, meaning the Wi-Fi is also off, though the internet runs all the time in my college but without the Wi-Fi I have nothing, the external Ethernet port that was hanging in front of the teachers room was removed for the purpose of colouring the wall as a part of maintenance of college. Well, I am planning to recover it after the paint jobs are done so that I can get some RAW speed there even after the closure of the Wi-Fi. I am wondering where the technician sir is. Well I am here certainly for downloads and during this training time of other departments it’s very hard to get proper download speed constantly so that I come at early because this early almost 45 minutes is my powerplay time if there is no problem in the network. Because their training starts from 10am and I get into the room at almost 9:05am. It is powerplay because I get the full bandwidth this time with no disturbance. I have downloaded many games including the latest Wolfestine which is about 43GB with the help of college’s fast net. I used to download 35GB in average everyday now I hardly get 8GB due to the immense load on the Wi-Fi network here because of high concentration of students busy downloading porn. I see no one interested about games or movies or songs even. All they want is porn and more porn and in HD is possible and YouTube videos of song. It’s not about the songs again, it’s about the video that interests them.

While I keep on struggling to get 1KBPS they use their distributed speed to download. Is the porn is so much of a need? Why I don’t feel for so? My ex-girlfriends know how much libido I have to the exact quotient but still I don’t do it because of my consciousness and I am amazed to see that they have done with their morality. It’s really a shame to see that. Anyways they go hell with their things, I am more concerned about mine. And I am not getting what I need. Still I have many games to do. And there are games waiting to get released soon and I want them as soon as they are available. I am patient about downloading them but I am not patient about getting them. I want them and fast. It’s like a race to get them all before anyone. No I am not into a piracy and I am not going to distribute or sell them. I support the companies and when I will get huge money I am surely buy them. But just for now I am borrowing some of their work so that I can entertain myself. I don’t think that entertainment is just for the filthy rich people. It’s meant for all. This is the true meaning of freedom.

Okk.. seems like I am on a blogging spree I let my inner voice guide me through it. I am writing all about my mind. I am kind of emptying it here so that one day if anyone wants to know about me they can know it from the comfort of their home and hopefully my blog will survive at least 6 more months after I die. Well I don’t seek immortality, my life is already seems to be a great burden and curse on me and I don’t want any more of this. I don’t care either if my blog stays or not, I mean who gives a shit about someone’s life’s semi-biography? None. They why should I care for it. And I am also done with catchy topic names. I simply writing day’s name now a days and I am thinking about starting the hash code system in my blog, finding a right spot to do so, because that would make more sense and more suspense to my blog because people are getting the topic just from the subject and thus they become less interested in reading the full content so I have to apply my MBA knowledge in it.

But no matter what I do or apply. Does it really matters? I don’t know. Never saw it working for me. I have some magazines to read and some songs to listen but I am finding no inspiration to do so. I take my hard disk space seriously and I don’t like to waste it. I like digital contents because they are eco-friendly and I can always delete some to get more space in my HDD. I seriously need some more RAM for my laptop because its hanging very much now a days and due to this huge reading writing pressure of my internal hard disk its needed very much and not to forget the other applications which are getting updated every day along with the windows which is again updated from time to time and with each iteration of the update they are demanding more ram and room on HDD to work on. I am really having problem to keep up space on my OS Drive as it is an SSD storage its storage very costly to me.

Let’s see what new I can come up with to do it.

Wish me luck…

My Digitized Thoughts - Ramen Mukherjee ...

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