My Digitized Thoughts - Ramen Mukherjee ...

I woke up today with a very fresh mood. Don’t know why but everything seemed like perfect. I found it very pleasant. After a very long time I got this opportunity, to actually breathe the morning air. Not to curse me or anyone for being alive.  But as the time went on and morning turned to noon I slowly started to realize that something bad is going to happen. And that did happened. Okk, until now that much you all knew that the root of my problem is some person; there is always persons who create trouble for me. And those persons are usually the one, close to heart.

People, who get time of others, often forget to give the time back to the people who are giving them it. It’s not every time what we get, we deserve it and what we lose is better of us. Karma bites back to all. Everyone shows their true colour in desperate time of needs. Their needs, as well as ours. People tend to change colour. As a human being it’s in our very nature to betray others, to get pleasure from others pain. An advice for them - Don’t take your relationship for granted.. You never know, someone somewhere must be dying to take your place. And you too CAN be replaced...

Anyone reading my blog would think that I have too much of anger for all the people and I am not going to justify myself for that. You are free to think whatever you wish for but actually, I was never treated well in my entire life by anyone. I only gave good to people but never got anything is return. Yes, I had high expectations from them but now I don’t expect anything priceless from cheap people.

You people might say I am frustrated because I have no one in my life, TRUE. However, it is also correct that it is not my fault. I am not in such a bad position to compromise with my ethics. No one stays in my life and you might say that its all my fault. I don’t know it is my fault or not but what I do know is that they have many faults in them. To be a optimist you have to ignore others faults and concentrate on their good. I agree. But, sometimes people’s fault are too big that they over shadow their good. That is maybe what same goes for me too. I have some undiscovered faults in me that was prominent to others.

I am feeling so lonely now, so much pissed at every possible things. Trying hard for controlling myself. My headache is on its top. Still I am not taking medicines as I don’t want slavery of medicines. People are pissing me off on Facebook like hell. And they are not concerned about me but their needs. Nah. I am not giving a f*ck to them. They don’t give me any bit of a friendship yet they expect me to be loyal? ON WHAT F*CKING BASIS ? they lie regularly to me. They ignore me on my face. They avoid me like a rodent pest. They treat me like well, whatever they like. When they need something they come to me otherwise they will not come near to even my shadow.

I just want to deactivate my Facebook profile, quit my twitter, delete my blog and throw my mobile phones for the sake of new beginning or the oldest ending alike. Let the destruction come to me and being embraced my me. I accept that all my life it’s been useless to me. maybe it’s useful for all others because they all used and abused me to their heart’s content and no matter how many times I said it to myself is ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, it’s never been enough for them.

Not everything ugly can be replaced with pretty. God has also made general people like us and in great quantity, maybe that’s the way he likes this earth to be. Anyways it’s just an justification to myself. In reality, we do chase for the better. Bigger pocket, bigger muscles, bigger boobs and bigger dick. And in the process we forget about ourselves and what we really deserve. To get a better thing you have to be better than anything else is. Especially the thing you are about to target of achieving. You have to win it, earn it and respect it. Ignoring it would cause fatal error.

Good Night

Life shows you many doors but won't tell you which door is for you. It is you who chooses it, we call it decisions, and when decisions go wrong, we call it a luck and when it goes right, we say it’s my karma. And sometimes it becomes so tough to realise. I lost and found something today, yet it’s a matter of great thought that what I had lost, was it mine? And what I got will it be mine forever? The answer lies in Shreemad Bhagwat Geeta. Anyways I am not any baba and I am not giving any prawachans here. That would be hilarious.

You might lose some things at some points of your life and you might get back them, if you are lucky, but still you are not getting the same thing back so why expect certainty from this uncertain universe. Because of that foolish human hope. Hope is our strongest power and darkest weakness.

After couple of days I am again writing this page here. I had saved this page as draft. Well the matter is I could have published it but I felt that it needed some more strong ingredients. So I waited knowing my life is boring as ever I still tried to get some more.

So, finally she showed her real face to me. Just exactly like the previous one, she came, she told me couple of things about loving me and bond for eternity and all, I believed and later she showed me that she is just playing with my emotions. She needed a husband for the future and so she was collecting me. Just like a doll. She said if she get into her desired line of education she will keep the relation otherwise she will breakup and concentrate on her studies as now, according to her, she can’t concentrate on two things at once. Okk fair enough for me but she could have thought about this ago, before playing with my emotions. And as far I knew her if she got into her desired education stream, she will meet some other guys, better guys and will eventually leave me. As her words hold no value, I can’t trust her anymore. I trusted her enough. All her lame excuses I endured them all. She said she needs certain % of marks to meet me. what a hilarious thing. She can go out with her friends not with me because of “what people will think”. She didn’t changed her relationship status of SNS and neither of her friends know about me. She has made many escape routes for herself. Now she has gone to spend holidays with her family and completely forgets me. no reply on sns. Switching off the mobile and switching on when she needed it. I understood that she don’t want me now so I stopped. All her moves make me more insecure and negative. How can I believe such a girl whose action and words contradict all the time? The problem is that I was loyal and my heart was pure I got worried about her so I called and now I am not even sure that she is off to holidays or what. She might have got a new boyfriend and telling me lies just like my previous gf. Previous relation was of 20 days for me and this one is of 24 days. I don’t know what is wrong with my love but I think they DON’T deserve my love.

I am going through a hurricane and none of this seems to be stopped. Yes I am frustrated completely and don’t know how to get out of all these mess. Any person I loved betrayed my trust, one way or another. Is that all my luck is about? Getting backstabbed? Whom to believe? How to believe? Everyone is just SAME…

Bye

Thursday morning. Today is Rabindranath Tagore’s birthday. The club outside my apartment is organising some kind of events maybe but from the dawn, they have started to play such boring songs. Yes, I agree that they are soulful but all those songs need a certain frequency of mood. And right now, at this time, I don't have any. I have never been fond of this person so much. Not because of his personal life  I don’t know why but I don’t like him much. It is true that some of his poems and writings and songs are good. But don’t know why I can’t be a mad like everyone else out there. My friends are all fan of him. Well most of my friends are girls and I don’t know why but this man has some charisma in him. Every female is attracted to him.

Today is a very special day for my best friend and my very good friend. Both of them are having huge cultural programs in their hand today. I wish them best of luck. I know they are good. As of me I don’t know what I will be doing all the day probably I will try to complete my MBA assignments. Its last day has been given. I am very worried about it. Its huge. And I have to do it with proper procedures. Life is becoming harder day by day. Anyways maybe god is making me prepared for the coming war.

I realized that peace is the most valuable thing for a person. I have seek it through my life. But peace is the most luxurious pleasure. Yesterday I was chatting with one of my old friend, who used to be a very good friend of mine, told me that she is going to uninstall whatsapp after her college is over. And here my sole purpose for whatsapp is her being there. For her I came to here. Well I am not stunned by it as it was expected from her. I have seen her throwing things, which is no more needed by her. Previously she uninstalled viber. How easy it for some people. Isn't it? To move on? And amazing talent, yet to be learned.

Today is a holiday and everyone has some plans for today with their closed or loved ones. And the person I like came online stayed for more than and hour and log off without dropping a single alphabet to my chat box. She is supposed to be the one who wil care for me more than anyone yet she don’t care for me. all she cares for is herself and people she want to be, certainly its not me. she is not at all careful for our relationship. Maybe she has plenty and she has many people in her life. Well its obvious, she looks good. But she is the one who first spoke about her feelings towards me and now she is behaving like she don’t like me. well I am used to of this. This happened with me ago. And the best part is that they are both from same school and with very small year gap. They both look almost same and their behaviour is also same.

I don’t know somewhere in my heart I know that I will not be with her in future as I have an omen. I always ending up in bitter relation with English medium people, especially girls. Their carelessness and egoistic movements is what annoys me more. And their tendencies to backstab, telling lies, changing their statements every now and then, they can’t be trusted. All they say is fake. They pretend much and their mentality to humiliate others is really irritating. They deserve slapping sometimes really. Their parents should be given teaching on how to be a good parent because all they made their babies something which will make them regret later. Meanwhile their children will cause the pain to others and they were so busy making their sons and daughters the next big thing. Every parents wants to do that, there is nothing wrong in that but children should be taught to be a better human being first. English mediums may make its students smart but takes away their humanity. All they are left with is show-off. Some spoken English skills and ass filled with ego. Nothing much.

Look closely and ye shall see..

bye

Once I was, a happy person because I hadn't lost anything or maybe because I didn’t knew that I have anything to loose. Now when I had or rather I should say when I realized, I lost it. It was not my choice to loose but it was god’s will. Every time I tried to hold on to something, got snatched away in the name of god’s will. I don’t know what I have done so wrong, so unforgivable. I have read in books that he forgives everyone and every sin then why not me? At least he can show me my sins. He can make me aware of my faults. So I cannot live but die at least in peace.

It is written that he is the father of us all and yet he stands still to see his children fall. Am I angry at god? No I am not because it is useless. He is just in the idols found in temples. When I was a non-believer, I was happy. When I lost I started to believe in him and tried to understand his wish, but the more I understand, the more I feel sadness. I realized that he don’t want me to be happy.

Yes, I hate myself because I haven’t achieved anything. People have great expectations from me, many people from many time and from many fields had expectations from me and I let them down. I am not a perfect person but I always thrived to be one and failed again and again. My carrier is going in doom. I can sense it. I have to act quickly before it’s too late but HOW? The question remains same. Even with my full effort, I am unable to do everything for myself, for my loved ones, for others who hold expectations from me.

Am I too bad? Is my time has come? The candle is about to go off with a puff of smoke, would anyone remember it? I always tried to ignite one candle with my flame. But it is now I don’t have any flame because he don’t wants me to have any. I am left with nothing. I am so hollow. I have a black hole in the place of heart. I have a zombie in the name of body. And I have left only with duty in the name of mind. Whatever I do, I do just as duty. Now when someone appreciates me I feel weird. They say you only see what you want to see and according to them I am seeing all these negativity around me because I seek for it. But why any person seeks negativity. Why would I seek darkness when I am so thirsty for light? Do you have any answer for me? NO. because YOU don’t care about it. You don’t care about my questions and my answers you only just care about YOURSELF and no one else because you are a human.

I was never acknowledge for anything. Never been thanked from heart. Never got appreciated. Its like I am just a robot or an invisible person to all. Its like, The sole purpose of my existence is to fulfil other’s needs. But what about my needs? Even for the basic one? I am a so miserable person that now I spend time with someone else’s girlfriends be it on phone or out of it. They are all someone else’s. but who is mine? Who is for me? is there any person to call her mine? Just mine? No there isn’t any. I spend my hard-earned money on people who are not entirely mine. Yet I found happiness. A little one, a brief momentary happiness. But I don’t want these. I want my eternal peace. But no, its not in my luck to get the love from my loved ones and I am very much afraid that someday I might even forget to love anyone. I might evolve into something which I hate totally.

When a loving caring heart dies completely, devil borns. Because they say that a heart filled with love is the place god resides and the irony is that the god is breaking his own temple. Maybe he don’t want to live here. Maybe he just need a penthouse because this small house of this poor person is not much suitable for his attire. Perhaps he has shifted to a better place or maybe just maybe he has left it for someone else. Hope, yes hope.. a human weakness. But no I don’t hold any hopes. Hope is the things for the fool and for the losers, like me, the faster they learn to accept the hard reality, is the better.

You know what, Lucky are those person who get their happiness in someone else’s smile, someone who is their very own. Who live in their heart. For me there is just empty dark space. It is mine. Yes it is truly mine and no one can take away it from me. no I am not a womanizer, that arts is unknown to me. but yes I do have female friends, most of them are virtual and none of them cares for me. it ok to me but what is not accepted to me is the ignorance. I hate this completely. Why would people hate me, I don’t hate anyone, then why me? but again its very foolish to expect a lion not to eat you, because you don’t eat lion is absurd. Sometimes I feel like living in a jungle and the biggest predator for me is myself. It is what haunts me. sometimes I really get jealous from the people who has it all. Whose life is so much perfect. Maybe it is the frustration of having an incomplete broken life of mine. Maybe I am so insecure about my misery. I don’t know, as I have said I am lost, I am clueless and I am utterly confused.

Yes, I can be rude and stop making friends because one way or another no one is mine. Everyone will forget me someday. No friends, no relations, no indulges, no tangles, no expectations and no heartbreaks. I know I am a nothing now. I have nothing. In any ways I am worthless for the people I like. So much ignorance for me and yet I am not too strong to handle them all. How to face such avoidance in every aspect of my life. I am so used to being avoided that I started to avoid myself. I am leading a pathetic life where I don’t know now what to do. I am solving others problems and my own life is full of it.

No I am not a quitter so I am probably not going to end my useless life but I will always try to find a better use of it. My life is what’s killing me and it will be my cause of death. For that I alive, I am dying every day. Slowly decaying to the last fibre of my body. The last consciousness of my soul. My soul has died so many times that now it has become too reluctant to commit a suicide because I know I will be born again to face my karma, which is unknown to me.

Today I spent my whole day for a call and yet none came except some tele marketing calls and sms of course. I even met one of my classmate cum good friend but yet found no happiness. She was happy. Even in her saddest moment she is assured of a holding hand and in the other side lies a body, mine. Empty as a vessel could be in the summer. On a verge of breaking, it holds water for the thirsty travellers but can’t drink of its own, traveller comes, drinks water sometimes praises god for the water and move on, no one thanks the vessel, that’s the way of life perhaps.. I can mend broken hearts because my hearts was broken in many pieces and I put them together, again and again and yet I am not so tired about it. Maybe it would be an inspiration to the people who will get to know me someday. Or ,maybe I will die rather unheard but I am sure about one thing. ME..

bye

Officially, it’s a new day now. But I can't sense anything bright shiny and filled with ‘everything happy’, its same old moronic life to me once again. Brought to me by my dear god. Its his gifts which overwhelms me. well, most of the times. And slowly he is becoming so predictable to me.

Just a couple of hours ago I was munching on my special egg-roll, then I watched a new movie on my laptop which I was collected from my friend. Slowly I started to think that how much I am dependent on internet. No, I am not talking about Facebook addiction and along with that I am talking about Facebook. Yes, I am indeed. The thing is Facebook addiction comes from extreme loneliness, as per I realized, the technology may have enabled us becoming always connected but in reality we have gone farther from each other. We feel free in facebook, be it talking to chatting to someone or wishing someone of their anniversary or birthday. Sharing files is easy. Sharing pictures is easy. In a way sharing life and life’s memory is just a kid’s job there.

But I am talking about other things like emails and file syncing. Being updated is more important than being available because a person can also be available always through his mobile phone. Oh! Talking about phone, I was wondering about buying a latest low cost high end phone made by some new Chinese company available in my local shop. It has all the goodies which can lure any gadget freak like me. But just sometimes ago I was questioning myself. DO I REALLY NEED IT? It’s not that it’s going to cost me a fortune that’s why I am asking myself or rather I can say that I was negotiating with myself. NO it is not. But the fact is I was asking myself that does it really matter to have gigahertz of numerous core power or a giant life like display or all other smoking hot goodies IF I don't have any working internet?

Internet. Yes again internet. I have my whole world in there. Friends, files, work, contacts. Everything. I wonder what will happen if someday there won’t be any internet. What will I do? Where will I go? How I can be in touch with my friends, well those non existed friends? Those virtual friends who pretends to be the dearest while the green dot besides my name is on and forget me as soon as it turns grey. Is it my life? Am I dead now? Because I am offline now. I saw people, studied their psychology, they really take you for granted and think that the grey dot besides your name is your death certificate.

NO, I don’t need that fancy new mobile phone. NO I don’t need internet for movie songs and movies. I don’t need internet for all my files saved on web. They are useless anyways. All those online storage places I created are not very much needed to me. everything seems so disconnected now. Maybe I am addicted, that’s why I need rehab. And this hard thing can only be done by me and this time I think I should not pay heed to any internet offer or any bonanza and discounts. Because it really feels like some digital fortress. I have become prisoner of my own walls. My life became so much pathetic now. All of my restlessness came from here. I can sense it. All my needs have changed into my wants and it is ever-growing since I step a foot here. Yes SNS can be blamed but shouldn't I be blaming myself now? What have I achieved by doing this? NOTHING, not even some stable friends. My friend list changes like Sensex.

But it is also equally true that I am really alone in this entire world and I am not any monk to accept it in this age. It feels terrible and those who say I FEEL is absolutely bullshitting because they are not even in my socks how can they be in my shoes? I have no to care, yet I want to take care, at least for something, or SOMEONE. But I am alone. I have no one (in reality) to take care and no one takes care of me. some pretends other ignores. And some….. TELL LIES…

I don't know but the grammar checker of office 2013 seems terrible to me. well again its only MY DIGITIZED THOUGHTS…

bye