My Digitized Thoughts - Ramen Mukherjee ...

Once I was, a happy person because I hadn't lost anything or maybe because I didn’t knew that I have anything to loose. Now when I had or rather I should say when I realized, I lost it. It was not my choice to loose but it was god’s will. Every time I tried to hold on to something, got snatched away in the name of god’s will. I don’t know what I have done so wrong, so unforgivable. I have read in books that he forgives everyone and every sin then why not me? At least he can show me my sins. He can make me aware of my faults. So I cannot live but die at least in peace.

It is written that he is the father of us all and yet he stands still to see his children fall. Am I angry at god? No I am not because it is useless. He is just in the idols found in temples. When I was a non-believer, I was happy. When I lost I started to believe in him and tried to understand his wish, but the more I understand, the more I feel sadness. I realized that he don’t want me to be happy.

Yes, I hate myself because I haven’t achieved anything. People have great expectations from me, many people from many time and from many fields had expectations from me and I let them down. I am not a perfect person but I always thrived to be one and failed again and again. My carrier is going in doom. I can sense it. I have to act quickly before it’s too late but HOW? The question remains same. Even with my full effort, I am unable to do everything for myself, for my loved ones, for others who hold expectations from me.

Am I too bad? Is my time has come? The candle is about to go off with a puff of smoke, would anyone remember it? I always tried to ignite one candle with my flame. But it is now I don’t have any flame because he don’t wants me to have any. I am left with nothing. I am so hollow. I have a black hole in the place of heart. I have a zombie in the name of body. And I have left only with duty in the name of mind. Whatever I do, I do just as duty. Now when someone appreciates me I feel weird. They say you only see what you want to see and according to them I am seeing all these negativity around me because I seek for it. But why any person seeks negativity. Why would I seek darkness when I am so thirsty for light? Do you have any answer for me? NO. because YOU don’t care about it. You don’t care about my questions and my answers you only just care about YOURSELF and no one else because you are a human.

I was never acknowledge for anything. Never been thanked from heart. Never got appreciated. Its like I am just a robot or an invisible person to all. Its like, The sole purpose of my existence is to fulfil other’s needs. But what about my needs? Even for the basic one? I am a so miserable person that now I spend time with someone else’s girlfriends be it on phone or out of it. They are all someone else’s. but who is mine? Who is for me? is there any person to call her mine? Just mine? No there isn’t any. I spend my hard-earned money on people who are not entirely mine. Yet I found happiness. A little one, a brief momentary happiness. But I don’t want these. I want my eternal peace. But no, its not in my luck to get the love from my loved ones and I am very much afraid that someday I might even forget to love anyone. I might evolve into something which I hate totally.

When a loving caring heart dies completely, devil borns. Because they say that a heart filled with love is the place god resides and the irony is that the god is breaking his own temple. Maybe he don’t want to live here. Maybe he just need a penthouse because this small house of this poor person is not much suitable for his attire. Perhaps he has shifted to a better place or maybe just maybe he has left it for someone else. Hope, yes hope.. a human weakness. But no I don’t hold any hopes. Hope is the things for the fool and for the losers, like me, the faster they learn to accept the hard reality, is the better.

You know what, Lucky are those person who get their happiness in someone else’s smile, someone who is their very own. Who live in their heart. For me there is just empty dark space. It is mine. Yes it is truly mine and no one can take away it from me. no I am not a womanizer, that arts is unknown to me. but yes I do have female friends, most of them are virtual and none of them cares for me. it ok to me but what is not accepted to me is the ignorance. I hate this completely. Why would people hate me, I don’t hate anyone, then why me? but again its very foolish to expect a lion not to eat you, because you don’t eat lion is absurd. Sometimes I feel like living in a jungle and the biggest predator for me is myself. It is what haunts me. sometimes I really get jealous from the people who has it all. Whose life is so much perfect. Maybe it is the frustration of having an incomplete broken life of mine. Maybe I am so insecure about my misery. I don’t know, as I have said I am lost, I am clueless and I am utterly confused.

Yes, I can be rude and stop making friends because one way or another no one is mine. Everyone will forget me someday. No friends, no relations, no indulges, no tangles, no expectations and no heartbreaks. I know I am a nothing now. I have nothing. In any ways I am worthless for the people I like. So much ignorance for me and yet I am not too strong to handle them all. How to face such avoidance in every aspect of my life. I am so used to being avoided that I started to avoid myself. I am leading a pathetic life where I don’t know now what to do. I am solving others problems and my own life is full of it.

No I am not a quitter so I am probably not going to end my useless life but I will always try to find a better use of it. My life is what’s killing me and it will be my cause of death. For that I alive, I am dying every day. Slowly decaying to the last fibre of my body. The last consciousness of my soul. My soul has died so many times that now it has become too reluctant to commit a suicide because I know I will be born again to face my karma, which is unknown to me.

Today I spent my whole day for a call and yet none came except some tele marketing calls and sms of course. I even met one of my classmate cum good friend but yet found no happiness. She was happy. Even in her saddest moment she is assured of a holding hand and in the other side lies a body, mine. Empty as a vessel could be in the summer. On a verge of breaking, it holds water for the thirsty travellers but can’t drink of its own, traveller comes, drinks water sometimes praises god for the water and move on, no one thanks the vessel, that’s the way of life perhaps.. I can mend broken hearts because my hearts was broken in many pieces and I put them together, again and again and yet I am not so tired about it. Maybe it would be an inspiration to the people who will get to know me someday. Or ,maybe I will die rather unheard but I am sure about one thing. ME..

bye