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A Drying Rose....

10:37 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
The precious feeling of love, to love & sensing love is dying inside me like a drying rose which is losing its fragrance and beauty of its way of dying. People might say that I am getting stronger every day, leaving all those petty emotions behind but it is the sign of being stronger of being destroyed internally? My soul is dying day by day because all its want is love. Uncompromised and unconditional love. And it’s not getting it. I am starving to feel the love once again. Yeah! I dont think confessing something in mind hurts. People usually dont confess because of their fake reputations. I think I should again leave Facebook for some time as it is really have started to pissing me off. It's like a pressure valve in mind, whenever I log in to Facebook, the pressure starts to increase and then i hear that alarming sound which tells to stop. But the situation presently is that I have to recharge my wired internet connection in the next month otherwise it would be disconnected. And if I get an unlimited internet connection. No matter what the connection speed will be. I will always be trying to get online.

It is a fact and a common psychology that whenever I will be feeling alone I will come to here and then it will start to bombing me with all those show-offs and blings which Facebook can offer. The world is fake there. Everything is fake there from people’s face to their intentions. People have become blind by it and became slave. I am out of it and I can see that what it has done to the civic sense and society. It has changed the meaning of friendship and relationships. It has made a joke of this. Getting in and coming out of any relationship is so easy. It’s so easy to be fake here and pretend as if you are someone else.

The first thing I will do is to upgrading my laptop to Windows 8.1 then I will download some movies and some games then if I may get time I will get some good tunes and some needed magazines and books. I will be installing a medium speed connection by which I can accomplish all those needs I had. I will be spending less time in Facebook and more time in playing and finishing game. It is true that every stage of a game gives me a purpose to live because I have to such things in my real life. Am I dependent of cybernetics? Maybe. I don’t call myself a gamer anymore, that one inside me died almost 4 years ago when I left gaming for my 1st love and when she betrayed me I couldn’t dragged myself to gaming. I kept on saving games after games in my hard disk and later I realised that I need a bigger hard disk for that and I did bought a 2TB of hdd just for that and what I have accomplished by that? Absolute nothing.

Everything is seeming to be useless to me. My smartphone, all my social network accounts, tons of contacts, my sim cards, sms pack, call pack, net pack, internet connections everything is just f’king useless to me. Why I am doing all these. What I am getting except the pain? I can’t bear this anymore. It’s not that I can’t leave all these but then again what I will be having? Again a zero in my hand. It’s like I can’t live with these and can’t live without of all these shits. I do have my studies but I can’t concentrate in that. I know I am going to doom myself. And it’s not that there is no way back but I need someone to bring me back. There is not everything I can do alone. I am a self-made man. But this is it, I can’t go alone like this. I need someone besides me. Someone with me, not for now, not for some cause. But forever.

I think I should start reading books again. In this online age of piracy many good books are available to download and I can read them if I get some good links to start from. I am new to English literature and really I don’t have a taste of good books here. I have read a few books but I would really like to get the knowledge of judgment for that I can know which is good and which is not like I have a good taste of movies and games but perhaps it is because I am used to off them from a very tender age. So experience matters which I don’t have in the field of good books and I don’t get much time to make some. It is very true that as the days are passing by I am losing my concentration & tolerance power along with my patience. I am getting whimsical. I am becoming someone which I am sure that I don’t want to be but maybe hatred is much greater affection than love. It makes you what you hate the most.


So stop hating anything, it will ruin YOU ultimately...

Friend of Foes ? ....

11:31 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
There are times when you start to think about your achievements in a faint hope that they will give you some boost while you are feeling low for some unknown reason. You try to find that very stronghold of your life, a standpoint, as they say. We have friends and the supportive ones will come up with any head or tail less clues to make you feel so boosted about some silly matters and it will eventually make you a better person. So the prime objective of having some friends or we can also say that a prime feature of a good friend is to boost your morale when you are down.

As for the achievements in my life I don’t know from where I should start to. I mean it’s not that I have a long list in my hand, but it’s more like I am confused about what to bring in the list and what to exclude. I have lost everything whatever I have achieved, well what I think I have achieved. But what I was craving for more, is yet to be achieved by me. Yes I know that everyone of you will say that this must be the love. Friends, success, money and everything nice. No one wants the thorn but the roses. True. I will not disagree. Being in humanly flesh I too desire for all of them. But my mind always wants the things which can’t be measured in money.

And here am I boosting other’s morale when they are down but didn’t found the same from them. I am a friends to all but no one seems to be very interested in me to do friendship, I mean the true one, not the virtual one when the friendship starts with poking and ends with blocking. I write blogs about my own self and it seems no one is very much interested in reading them. Why would they? That’s the question for sure but again on what topic I should write? The only topic is fully known to me, is myself.

Many people came and went off in & from my life. Some stayed for days, some months. It’s like a one crazy motel, my heart is. Sometimes I ask myself, why I am still alive. Could it be more worse than not getting love and be hated by some? What’s my purpose of being. I asked it repeatedly, and I have waited for the answers. Nothing proper came yet.

Today morning at my regular Facebook login time I saw an update from a girl who was bragging about her sacrifices she made about her love. She was so indulged with her class, she ate roadside food for her bf, and that was against her class and surprisingly there are people of same category, commenting on it and they are actually praising her move to ditch that “classless” boyfriend. It was an amusing show to me. I mean people are so concerned about their class that they have attached that with specific brands. They forgot that the class is made by the character and the Mattel not by the names of brands.

My online matrimonial service experiences are also almost similar kind of things. Girls have become a demanding menace to others. A nagging nanny. They are full of complains and always ready with lists of demands and unfulfilled dreams. Some girls started to think themselves as some sort of queens and they lost their touch from the ground. Yes they will surely fall but the thing is that these kind of people will always find some people around them who are more than willing to air their ego every time and this “boost of morale” makes them nothing but the “queen of foolsland”.


If you try to add more filters to your tap, the chances are you will stop getting water. There is nothing in this world called purest of pure. Everything has some impurity and this is what makes us unique. A curse for one maybe blessing to another. We have to shift our visions so that we can speculate the other side also. The grass is greener in other’s side so does your side also, to the person standing in the other side so you have to gain the vision of that person who can see the green in your side.

05/11/2013 – Vatri Dwitiya – Tuesday – 9:47 AM

9:47 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I am a bit normal now from the hit I got from the reality. My female best friend is also out of danger. I am as usually feeling very alone and missing my bits and pieces very much. Horcrux, as they are called in the books and movie of Harry Potter, are seems to be too relevant in my life. They are meant to be the part of soul, some made intentionally and some unintentionally, I too have my part of souls created by the same way. Some has created by me others are made by some unknown force, god maybe? I don’t know.

I sometimes doubt the very existence of god. Is it still there? Is he watching us all? Caring for us? I heard that if something is prayed to him, he listens to his child then why not me? Am I not his son or am I really the forgotten son? I am really not the son of devil. I heard that he listens to them who are forgotten to the god but at a great price. I am not so much desperate to pay the price. I have nothing for the price but my soul and it’s already divided. That’s why I miss them very much. Each one of person holds some piece of my heart, my soul.

Today is a special sister brother day. The day of harmony. But when I opened the newspaper of today I saw 3 rape case among one is also a murder case too. I was so ashamed to see them. People have forgotten the palace of women in the society. But on the other side of the coin. Girls or women, they have become too out of control these days. Obviously the control is here referring to self-control not by the control of some other gender or authority. Women are mistakenly taking the meaning of independence as the license to do anything and everything anytime. But the real meaning of independence is to be in self-control. Girls lack that.

Girls are behaving so badly in social media, their words are ugly, their attitude is just unbearable, it seems like they have totally forgotten the way to behave in public as well as private. Too much arrogance and aggressiveness. Every one of them thinks themselves as some sort of queen but they don’t know that a queen is the noblest and most humble of all women. If they want to be true queens they should start acting like one. The problem with the people is that they always see the prima facia and starts to work on that. No one goes in depth. Maybe in the fear of getting the information beyond their recognition and comprehension.

And what to say about the beautiful ones and the cute faced girls. They seems like wolf in the skin of goat. They are untouchables. Only filthy wealth and awesome handsomeness can give you the passport to be on their friend list. It’s like they have forgotten their roots. They are still human and they have forgotten humanity. Try to talk to them and they will behave like you are about to rape them. But the scenarios gets changed when you are filthy rich. They will come to you and open their clothes one by one by their selves.

Every girl wants to be successful and they should be. I appreciate that but I don’t see any girl who seeks success in their husband, who wants to be the queen in their lover’s heart, who want to make home without breaking it. Girls are losing their girly qualities day by day except their monthly period cycle. Perhaps it’s the nature which is preventing then to stop it, otherwise they would have stopped that also to become more male. They are more acting like some prostitutes who can do anything for money. They want iPhone, iPad and everything that can money buy. And for that they need someone who can spend. All they have is their beauty but I see less girls have some quality.

Quality of mind, quality of heart, the kindness, the sweetness…. Those are the quality which makes a woman complete not having sweet face or a good rack. I know more of boys seek sexy girls who can please then in bed completely but they too should remember that you can’t have sex at the time of your death. But you can have memories and perhaps the touch of love at that time. So seek for a good girl not the sexy ones.

Sexy ones are like exotic cars. You can watch then, even can have them, some can rent them, but can’t use them for regular use, and you can’t maintain them. I can clearly see why boys love their gadgets, cars, bikes and sports materials more than their girls. At least they don’t get chance over the time and they don’t force you to change all the time. Seek for an economy and fuel efficient cars is the best way to stay happy. Let the exotic cars stay in Facebook and social media and enjoy their pictures while they enjoy the oily comments.


I am searching for a good car, I guess you are too, we all are…..

Shaken and Stirred ...

9:22 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Today, the very foundation of my believes have been shaken. It has been uprooted not by some severe incidents, but by a very small cause. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it doesn’t deserve to be a cause. But still I think it meant a lot to me. Because it hit the very core of myself. My believes of 18 years have been shattered by those seemingly innocent things.

Friendship, is maybe just a word to some people. Only some fools like me took it as a serious thing. In my entire life I never given anyone a chance to complain who called me a friend. To me loyalty and trust is the main things. But I got hurt when I don’t get them back. And this time it was so hard for me to take this kind of behaviour from the most beloved person.

May I complain about it? But to whom? And why? Is it a crime to hide personal life? NO. But where I tell my every dirty secrets, he just hid the entire chapter? How could he? Maybe I am too possessive about our friendship? And why I don’t be? He is all what I have to call as a friend, locally. Am I being selfish? Am I being jealous because what he has is wanted by me for the long time and I failed every time I get one chance? No I am hurt because I have been kept to shadows all the time.

I know it would be the end of our friendship if I ever discuss it with him. I don’t want the end so I will bury this to myself. But I can’t tolerate also. How can I ever trust him? Why I will share everything with him? Is my mom was right the entire time? Is he really don’t think me as his best friend? I should have known that this is coming because it has been known to me long ago that my best friend doesn’t think me as his best friend. But I never thought that this will come to this far.

I am too confused and hurt right now. What should I do to make myself whole again? He was the last piece of my life which I have lost long ago without my knowledge. My very best friend is not my best friend anymore. We are more like acquaintances. Whenever I get any new things, first of all I show him. When I got any good or bad news, I share with him in details. How could he have hidden all the chapters of his life to his best friend? Surely I am not his best friend anymore and he don’t trust me.

Should I trust the person who don’t trust me? Today I realised how much he ignores me. How much he avoids me. How much I am a secondary person to him.  I am a friend of need to him and just the need. After that I have no value at all. And I am unable to bear this pain.

Seriously I have nothing left to my life now. Everything is lost to me. I am lost person and perhaps the biggest looser not to realise all of these. It shows how much non-involvement I has to his life and how much he can hide on his own. Maybe I too must become a person who can hide things. But I am transparent person to all, I can’t be like him or the people who can actually hide. Though I appreciate it’s a good quality. Because being too clear to others may bring you pain. Yes it surely does and it does to me also. Though I trust people and share my life with them.

So far I have got only one person who is like me but she is not mine anymore. She is of someone else’s.  It’s a tragedy that I couldn’t made her mine. Perhaps I Iack the qualities, her parents and family don’t like me, because they have already chosen their son-in-law, maybe because our stars don’t match. Or maybe it’s entirely about my luck because she has true feelings towards me but she can’t be with me. It’s like she is bounded by some reason. Some reasons beyond my comprehensions. But I would surely like to know the cause why I have been refused. I demand a logical reason.

But I know no one can get anything by demand. Someday she will wed that person and will enter in her new life, I know that in our middle class family no matter how much she can try she can’t stay as my friend while being someone else’s wife. Yes she would be happy they love each other and everything is totally fine with her. It’s just that I could never see her marriage with my eyes and I can’t bear the pain of her being in someone else’s bed. It will be the day of my death I guess. I am so not prepared for that.


I pray to god please turn me to stones before it happens…

02/11/2013 – Kalipuja - Saturday – 9:40 AM

9:40 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
There have been some turbulent situations in my life through past couple of weeks. A new girl came, which I told all you about, stayed for two weeks and gone on her will. Cause is still unknown to me, I hope she has found some better guy than me or some better opportunity or maybe she has lied to me all along the way about her love for me and affection and blah blah blah. Well there is no remorse in that. Not every love gets full filled and in my case it’s a classic tragedy that takes place every time, still I fall in love as I am a sensitive guy. People can call me desperate is they like. I have no problem with that, everyone is desperate for something at some time. And maybe I am also. What’s wrong with it?

She left with no certain answers. Yes we were incompatible astrologically. Our dreams were clashing but still I found a way to mutualize things and cope up with the demands. Then her leaving me, makes no sense. But still maybe it’s a destiny and the part of the journey I am allotted with. Now a days it doesn’t feels so alien. I knew the expiration date before it begins. But my adventurer soul says. Give it a try. He who hasn’t tried yet, is the biggest looser, as they say so what’s wrong in trying?

Too high dreams are the main reason why a relationship gets broken, if no one compromises anything then it’s not a relation, however if only one people is compromising for the sake of relationship then it’s also not a healthy relationship. It will become a purgatory. Being into a relation and thinking about a healthy future is not a crime. When I love someone, my intention is to make her stay and make her my wife in future. I am not a “catch – fuck – leave” type of guy. I am a stable person in case of relationships and I need commitments. If someone fails to do so he or she must not go into a relation.

The world is filled with confused morons. Commitment phobic and perverts. And the definition of pervertness or the degree of it differs from person to person. To some talking is a pervertness, being or demanding to be friend, is a pervertness. And to some even having sex is not a pervertness.

I talked with someone last night who stays in my locality, after some talks she said to me get lost, as if I am trying hard to get her which is totally wrong. All I wanted a friendship and being in my locality I thought that she will be interested to be my real life friend. So I told her to meet in person. She said she will think about it and everything was cool. Then I saw sudden change in her behaviour. Which was unacceptable for me. I don’t liked it. I don’t have any internet connection today unfortunately otherwise I would have blocked her. But then again what good it will serve to me? Nothing. So I decided to keep her in my profile and ignore. Ignorance is the worst thing you can do to a human.

Then I met someone totally out of the box, she lives in Philippines, mind-blowingly cute, and a good kind supportive heart. It’s hardly one week we chatted in Kik messenger and we became very good friends. I thought that this could be someone good and worth keeping for, but before our relation gets ripe someone enters in her life and after the refusal of my proposal I finally thought to let her go. Anyways, I will not be capturing anyone in my life. I believe in freedom and as it’s my birth right so it is of anyone else’s. So I let her be free. She wanted to be JUST friend, I agreed to that. Be my friend if you like to be. Friendship with me is a hard job. Not everyone has the courage to be and stay as my friend.

Maybe slowly I am loosing myself. One after another. All the broken vows haunts me in my sleep, pinches me like broken glasses. I remember all of them and it is a curse, my whole life is a cursed journey like I am running on the road of broken glasses. Sometimes it seems like I am cursed with immortality and I realise that it is the worst thing in the life.


TO BE IMMORTAL…….
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