Shaken and Stirred ...
9:22 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Today, the very foundation of my
believes have been shaken. It has been uprooted not by some severe incidents,
but by a very small cause. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it doesn’t deserve to be a
cause. But still I think it meant a lot to me. Because it hit the very core of
myself. My believes of 18 years have been shattered by those seemingly innocent
things.
Friendship, is maybe just a word
to some people. Only some fools like me took it as a serious thing. In my
entire life I never given anyone a chance to complain who called me a friend.
To me loyalty and trust is the main things. But I got hurt when I don’t get
them back. And this time it was so hard for me to take this kind of behaviour
from the most beloved person.
May I complain about it? But to
whom? And why? Is it a crime to hide personal life? NO. But where I tell my
every dirty secrets, he just hid the entire chapter? How could he? Maybe I am
too possessive about our friendship? And why I don’t be? He is all what I have
to call as a friend, locally. Am I being selfish? Am I being jealous because
what he has is wanted by me for the long time and I failed every time I get one
chance? No I am hurt because I have been kept to shadows all the time.
I know it would be the end of our
friendship if I ever discuss it with him. I don’t want the end so I will bury
this to myself. But I can’t tolerate also. How can I ever trust him? Why I will
share everything with him? Is my mom was right the entire time? Is he really
don’t think me as his best friend? I should have known that this is coming
because it has been known to me long ago that my best friend doesn’t think me
as his best friend. But I never thought that this will come to this far.
I am too confused and hurt right
now. What should I do to make myself whole again? He was the last piece of my
life which I have lost long ago without my knowledge. My very best friend is
not my best friend anymore. We are more like acquaintances. Whenever I get any
new things, first of all I show him. When I got any good or bad news, I share
with him in details. How could he have hidden all the chapters of his life to
his best friend? Surely I am not his best friend anymore and he don’t trust me.
Should I trust the person who
don’t trust me? Today I realised how much he ignores me. How much he avoids me.
How much I am a secondary person to him.
I am a friend of need to him and just the need. After that I have no
value at all. And I am unable to bear this pain.
Seriously I have nothing left to
my life now. Everything is lost to me. I am lost person and perhaps the biggest
looser not to realise all of these. It shows how much non-involvement I has to
his life and how much he can hide on his own. Maybe I too must become a person
who can hide things. But I am transparent person to all, I can’t be like him or
the people who can actually hide. Though I appreciate it’s a good quality.
Because being too clear to others may bring you pain. Yes it surely does and it
does to me also. Though I trust people and share my life with them.
So far I have got only one person
who is like me but she is not mine anymore. She is of someone else’s. It’s a tragedy that I couldn’t made her mine.
Perhaps I Iack the qualities, her parents and family don’t like me, because
they have already chosen their son-in-law, maybe because our stars don’t match.
Or maybe it’s entirely about my luck because she has true feelings towards me
but she can’t be with me. It’s like she is bounded by some reason. Some reasons
beyond my comprehensions. But I would surely like to know the cause why I have
been refused. I demand a logical reason.
But I know no one can get
anything by demand. Someday she will wed that person and will enter in her new
life, I know that in our middle class family no matter how much she can try she
can’t stay as my friend while being someone else’s wife. Yes she would be happy
they love each other and everything is totally fine with her. It’s just that I
could never see her marriage with my eyes and I can’t bear the pain of her
being in someone else’s bed. It will be the day of my death I guess. I am so
not prepared for that.
I pray to god please turn me to
stones before it happens…
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