Talking Alone…
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People may argue that they walk
alone as there is no one to walk with them, like them I talk alone, mostly in
my mind and when it becomes unbearable for me, I start to write. Writing works
for me like some kind of exhaust fan. I know I am alone, but sometimes I don’t
know why people have to show me that. Like last day, in Saraswati Puja, I
called my best friend and he told me that he has called his other friend for
outing and if I want I can join, but why the hell my best friend would not call
me in first hand? Because priorities for him has been changed. And it is high
time for me to let mine be changed also. I am chained in my own soul. I want
freedom from it. This body is my jail.
Couple of days ago I went to a
marriage ceremony of the daughter of a very distant social family friend of my
maternal side. I used to go their home, along with my parents in a very early
childhood. We were very good friends then. Then some ego clash happened and for
last 13 – 14 years we didn’t saw each other’s face and forgotten each other’s
presence. Recently in a road my family met with them and after someday they
sent the card of their daughter, my lost friend’s marriage. The weirdest part
is that when my parents met with them they instantly liked the girl and my mom
told me if I was any interested in her or not but I denied as I didn’t even
remembered her face. Sometimes later the day when I thought to tell my mom to
re-introduce her with me I got the news of her marriage and believe me it was
like déjà vu in a sense. Similar things happened with me earlier also.
Anyways fighting with my mind I
finally decided to go. Saw her and she is no doubt nice. Waiting for her
husband to come and marry her and dressed like some kind of goddess. It was
nice and I prayed all the goodness for her and her coming future. Then suddenly
the second bomb exploded. Someone entered through the main gate of ceremony. I
know her from the Facebook. She WAS a friend and now we don’t talk anymore as I
can’t stand before her great ego. I can’t miss those eyes. Damn it! It’s her.
Just at the time of going to the ceremony I felt like that I am about to see
someone whom I know. I expected go see my 1st ex-girlfriend as it
was happening in her area. But really I didn’t expected to see this. But anyways
whenever she entered through the gates in a very simple dress with her parents
my eyes were kind of glued to her. Can’t look somewhere else. I tried yet
failed. Those eyes are just wow. She too saw me and ignored me even sitting in
front of me. Later I knew that my family, especially my mom is very well known
to her family. They were old neighbours before my mom’s marriage.
But NO. I decided to not to take
any advantage of this to re-connect with her. I am feeling the urge to do that.
I am feeling restless just to talk to her once. But no. I have decided not to
do that and hurt myself again. It is a dead end. She is a disturbed soul, she
loves someone else. And she don’t count me as a friend even. Probably she
thought me some kind of roadside Romeo or something like that. And I don’t want
to be humiliated again. What I believe in is that if someone is written in your
fate, he/she is bound to come to you. You can’t play god and even god can’t
play god in your fate because what is written is beyond anyone’s power. The
whole world is a big program and we are just pre coded modules. No one can
change our doing and beings. So I decided not to come online and talk to her in
an emergency manner. I want to forget her. Forget her just once again. The more
I try to forget the more I am remembering her so I stopped to forget her. I am
trying just to deviate from this by doing other things like watching movies but
still no matter what I am doing. I know it will take some serious time.
Watching her alive for about 3 hours is just too much for me to handle. Anyways
I was very happy to see her. Maybe it all happened for good. God did it to
deviate me from that immediate situation.
He works in mysterious ways,
isn’t it?
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