Click below to view this site using some new reading style

** Classic | Flipcard | Magazine | Mosaic | Sidebar | Snapshot | Timeslide **

We are now Graduates..

5:35 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

I became a graduate yesterday; it should be feeling good right? Ya perhaps, but it also means increment in responsibilities and also hike in self-expectations and also the frequency of self-realization will increase also. Now I am hoping for my masters. Probably two degrees at a time. I don’t know how much I can succeed but I have to try, I always have to try. Isn’t it a good thing? Sometimes I feel that I should stop chasing. What it gives me? Except for pain? I chased. And I failed and yet I prepare myself to chase again.

They say dreams are important, without it no one can imagine what they have to do next but what they don’t tell us that how much it pains when our dreams get broken by someone very close or by the person who the dream is about. Maybe people like to break other’s dreams. I will not say that I haven’t broken any. Maybe I have broken more than mine. And so I should not shout about “WHY ME?”.

In this peculiar time when I should be partying whole week long I am asking myself what I have gained and what changes I got? I came to the college heartbroken and I am leaving the college heartbroken. Either the times it was some outside girl who broke me or I must say that by whom I got my heart broken. As some of my acquaintances, I was a jerk, and they still call me a jerk, reasons changed but not my designation.

Why I love you so much is a very hard to explain but The harder question is question why I even love someone? The day before yesterday night I was explaining this to one of my close friend upon whom I had a huge crush one time and still have huge feelings for her though she is committed somewhat happily now, but still I mourn within myself WHY NOT ME? We were so compatible but yet I failed to create any feelings for her. So is it me? Who is not eligible for any feelings of anyone? No one feels for me no matter how much I try. No no I am not complaining, it’s that maybe perhaps I didn’t understood what the love is.

Its not that I want to be loved, no I am not that selfish but the fact, which I realized, is that I want to give love, take care of someone, fighting with someone, making her dreams come true, making someone my world, someone? Really? Or the only that person? My friends tell me to wait and wait for the person who is about to come but again they tell me to hold myself together for the right person. My question is how the hell someone could know who is the right person? If I spend the time judging, I can’t use the time loving. So I love. I trust and I respect.

And it has become evident that I can love two persons at a time. Two? Only? Really? Why? …. anyways I am trying to forget both of them, yet I cant because the feeling of love is very strong and to forget the feeling I need either a equal powered feeling or the opposite feeling and I really cant hate them both. because they didn’t committed anything bad to me its just me who loved them madly. Loved. Tried to forgot. Again loved and again trying to forget.

Maybe some of my readers can see that the only thing I am writing on to this site is only about my life’s tragedy. believe me guys I have only this to share. Don’t have anything else..

Bye for now

Created in Seconds, Destroyed in Jiffy ..

9:56 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I know that the way i loved you is kind of a different, its not show off, yet its not too silent, its because of the immense compatibility we had from the first time we talk, though i knew you for more times but really didn't had the chance to communicate, as i am too shy of girls. but i didn't fall for you by seeing your beauty, if i had to do that i would have been done so already, but i didn't. YES you are beautiful, maybe too beautiful for me. but the thing is that we were so compatible that even i wonder sometimes that how can one person, unknown all of these times to me, can guess my most inner feelings just like that. yes i fall for you. but all those years i tried to made myself suitable for you.bit by bit.but suddenly you loved someone else.its like the second shock for me.i thought you would be mine.yes i know i am working hard to achieve a place in your mind, but you are free as butterfly, always searching for the most beautiful flower. and you found one for you.

After sometimes he hurt you. you cried. i cried. you said you changed. i thought you changed. i believed you changed. but as the MasterCard's advertisement says, SOMETHING IS LIFE DOESN'T CHANGES, and here neither you changed nor my bad luck. you again fell for someone else. again with same all characteristics you wanted, all those glitter, and the most important thing is feeling, i respect that, that's why i am again happy that you are happy... :) but i felt this time that i am ready now. ready now to take care of all your demands, all your wishes... but again the dream i saw broke again. i got hurt very much. but it doesn't matters to anyone. it didn't matter to anyone. its all my private emotions.

Why i am writing these here then? because with certain anonymity i can vent my sadness here, because no one is here looking, because no one knows me, no one wants to... i have no friends maybe thats why god gave me the whole world.

Who says "dont chase, just wait", says it all wrong ...

Bye

On The Way to Heal Up Myself Once Again

10:32 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Yeah folks. Once again, I broke my heart. No its not today, its not yesterday, its almost 2 weeks before today. I didn’t wanted to write because I know no one will ever listen, no one cares. No one needs to, because everyone has pain. Everyone has their own saga to tell and everyone is hurt now a days. My pain is not special, not abnormal yet not very complicated. It’s straightforward. It’s about me. And my god damned luck.
Well everyone heartbroken thinks that they are unlucky. But I am not just unlucky in love, I am unlucky in every field, call me worthless, call me a failure, maybe I don’t deserve anyone as some say, I think I don’t deserve anything. No no no I am not underestimating myself. I am a realist. I will always be one. Just sometimes, it gets so hard to accept the truth in your own life. Maybe because it hurts. Maybe we are all, as a human too reluctant to look in to the mirror while naked, naked with truth. No one needs me, no one in interested in me.
And its not someone else’s fault. Its entirely my fault that I lost a person, actually maybe two persons, who were more valuable to me than anyone. My only true friend, my only best friend, my love….. ya despite of my several proposals, she stated that she needs to concentrate on her studies now because this is carrier time for her, yet she suddenly realized her love for someone else and got committed with him. Nice small heartbreak story.
It says to forget a pain you need another pain because only steel can cut steel. yeah got into another pain right after the first blow out and believe me it surely helped me to forget my first but destroyed me so much that I think that it will take ages to forget that and forgive myself. If I see in a common generalized way then I didn’t lost anyone. Everyone is in their place just my place to them has been shaken in tremors.
I feel very sad when I remember those fine glorious days when I was actually not alone. Maybe that’s the way I am. An emotional fool. Yes, really I am a fool. I fall for stupid things. I fall for others, their sorrows, their smiles, I always try to work out their problems, never looked after for myself. I am not selfish. Again, if everyone is selfish then what will be wrong if I become one? But what will happen to my inner soul? Can I ever escape it? Whom I will be fooling? My inner spirit will always guide me but sometimes I feel lost. Hollow.
Yes I am alone. I don’t have anyone. I don’t have any friends. Some think that I don’t belong in them as I look different, much mature from outside as they are. Some think that I am too immature, to understand that the world is not flat and it is moving around sun. Some are jealous of me because I can do certain things, though unnecessary but they also crave for doing the same, but they can’t. Some hate me because the way I am a truthful straightforward person, I don’t lie and I don’t entertain liars. Rest is that I can’t flirt, I can’t lick people’s toe to get the job done and I don’t let anyone do the same for me. I am poor, can’t throw party everyday. I am a rational person, can’t entertain vague thoughts. I am a clean person, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I stay clean and try to keep my friends and close one clean. From here people call me bogusly boring because for me they miss their fun so people leave me, but I couldn’t see the point of fun in killing yourself slowly. Maybe that’s what we humans are, Self-destructive in nature.
And according to the girls actually I have a bad fashion sense, I look hideous, people feel ashamed around me by having me. I don’t look like an ideal boyfriend but rather like some uncle. I don’t wax, I don’t go to parlor more, I don’t have a nice physic, I am into a gym but I don’t know why it is not working on me, maybe its again my luck.
According to the astrologist, I am having the worst of the time one could have in their life and it will continue from this year 2012 till 2014. but I don’t know why I see that I was unlucky forever. And I will remain like this. Maybe the cause is only me. Because everyone else cant be wrong, but the thing is I don’t know the point on where they find me guilty, asked then many times.
Maybe I am not the idea boyfriend material seems to general girls because I don’t have the glitter what they need. I am not a material to show off. I don’t bling. That’s why I am alone. To make a statement all you need is some bells and whistles. Is that what defines character, heart & soul? Does it defines who I am or it focuses more on what I am?
Maybe I am possessive. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I interfere too much in someone else life. I care too much. I love too much. Maybe I am a too much. That’s what I get hurt too much. I always tried to keep myself balanced. But maybe I was too concerned about the matter that what will people think about me if I go out of my boundary.
Yeah maybe they are right. I created a shell around me, a shell of ethics rules and whatever to keep myself protected but I am now imprisoned in my own skin. Cant get out of it. Too stubborn to let it go. Is this an act of selfishness? Or am I too vulnerable?
Will I ever heal up?
To all Bengali friends just to sum up my whole story of breaking up my heart and re-breaking my heart is -


Newer Posts
Older Posts