On The Way to Heal Up Myself Once Again
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Yeah folks. Once again, I broke my heart. No its
not today, its not yesterday, its almost 2 weeks before today. I didn’t wanted
to write because I know no one will ever listen, no one cares. No one needs to,
because everyone has pain. Everyone has their own saga to tell and everyone is
hurt now a days. My pain is not special, not abnormal yet not very complicated.
It’s straightforward. It’s about me. And my god damned luck.
Well everyone heartbroken thinks that they are
unlucky. But I am not just unlucky in love, I am unlucky in every field, call
me worthless, call me a failure, maybe I don’t deserve anyone as some say, I think
I don’t deserve anything. No no no I am not underestimating myself. I am a
realist. I will always be one. Just sometimes, it gets so hard to accept the truth
in your own life. Maybe because it hurts. Maybe we are all, as a human too
reluctant to look in to the mirror while naked, naked with truth. No one needs
me, no one in interested in me.
And its not someone else’s fault. Its entirely my
fault that I lost a person, actually maybe two persons, who were more valuable
to me than anyone. My only true friend, my only best friend, my love….. ya
despite of my several proposals, she stated that she needs to concentrate on
her studies now because this is carrier time for her, yet she suddenly realized
her love for someone else and got committed with him. Nice small heartbreak
story.
It says to forget a pain you need another pain
because only steel can cut steel. yeah got into another pain right after the
first blow out and believe me it surely helped me to forget my first but
destroyed me so much that I think that it will take ages to forget that and
forgive myself. If I see in a common generalized way then I didn’t lost anyone.
Everyone is in their place just my place to them has been shaken in tremors.
I feel very sad when I remember those fine
glorious days when I was actually not alone. Maybe that’s the way I am. An emotional
fool. Yes, really I am a fool. I fall for stupid things. I fall for others,
their sorrows, their smiles, I always try to work out their problems, never looked
after for myself. I am not selfish. Again, if everyone is selfish then what
will be wrong if I become one? But what will happen to my inner soul? Can I ever
escape it? Whom I will be fooling? My inner spirit will always guide me but
sometimes I feel lost. Hollow.
Yes I am alone. I don’t have anyone. I don’t have
any friends. Some think that I don’t belong in them as I look different, much
mature from outside as they are. Some think that I am too immature, to
understand that the world is not flat and it is moving around sun. Some are
jealous of me because I can do certain things, though unnecessary but they also
crave for doing the same, but they can’t. Some hate me because the way I am a
truthful straightforward person, I don’t lie and I don’t entertain liars. Rest is
that I can’t flirt, I can’t lick people’s toe to get the job done and I don’t
let anyone do the same for me. I am poor, can’t throw party everyday. I am a
rational person, can’t entertain vague thoughts. I am a clean person, I don’t drink,
I don’t do drugs, I stay clean and try to keep my friends and close one clean. From
here people call me bogusly boring because for me they miss their fun so people
leave me, but I couldn’t see the point of fun in killing yourself slowly. Maybe
that’s what we humans are, Self-destructive in nature.
And according to the girls actually I have a bad
fashion sense, I look hideous, people feel ashamed around me by having me. I don’t
look like an ideal boyfriend but rather like some uncle. I don’t wax, I don’t go
to parlor more, I don’t have a nice physic, I am into a gym but I don’t know
why it is not working on me, maybe its again my luck.
According to the astrologist, I am having the
worst of the time one could have in their life and it will continue from this
year 2012 till 2014. but I don’t know why I see that I was unlucky forever. And
I will remain like this. Maybe the cause is only me. Because everyone else cant
be wrong, but the thing is I don’t know the point on where they find me guilty,
asked then many times.
Maybe I am not the idea boyfriend material seems
to general girls because I don’t have the glitter what they need. I am not a
material to show off. I don’t bling. That’s why I am alone. To make a statement
all you need is some bells and whistles. Is that what defines character, heart &
soul? Does it defines who I am or it focuses more on what I am?
Maybe I am possessive. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe
I interfere too much in someone else life. I care too much. I love too much. Maybe
I am a too much. That’s what I get hurt too much. I always tried to keep myself
balanced. But maybe I was too concerned about the matter that what will people
think about me if I go out of my boundary.
Yeah maybe they are right. I created a shell
around me, a shell of ethics rules and whatever to keep myself protected but I am
now imprisoned in my own skin. Cant get out of it. Too stubborn to let it go. Is
this an act of selfishness? Or am I too vulnerable?
Will I ever heal up?
To all Bengali friends just to sum up my whole story of breaking up my heart and re-breaking my heart is -
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