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Exam time and my life ....

12:02 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Finally yesterday I blocked her on Facebook and I am feeling good now. I should have blocked her months ago. I didn’t. And that’s why I got betrayed second time by her. Betraying someone in love is the worst thing you can do. Because the person trusts you from heart, it’s easy to betray. Anyways I don’t want to discuss about the past. I am just very happy that I did. People tend to promise and then they forget about it. Some people came into my life saying I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU and then they disappear. Two faced creatures. Very common these days. Very quickly some people came into my life and gone, some came again and gone like they have gone in first time. In their need people will remember you and in your need you will not find their traces. I know it’s good to be busy.

MBA Exams are not going very good for me. Not getting much movies to view and people are so damn busy to get their stuff done. I have no one and I have no expectation from anyone. I don’t watch TV as it consists of 300+ useless channels. I love watching news online, advertisement & bullshit free. I play games usually but I guess my game playing days are coming to end soon. Couple of years from now I will be having a job where I have to be present and I couldn’t have any time for download and watch. Maybe I will start to get films on rent or will go to theatres for the show but then again my numbers would drop. I stopped reading books now a days because I have lost my patience. I want everything at once. I don’t have time for reading books or doing Facebook all day long.

But then again the question comes that for what exactly my times are getting wasted? I don’t play games all the time, nor I watch movies, I don’t do much web surfing, downloading doesn’t requires my personal time, I don’t read books, I don’t study properly though I am doing 2 masters degrees at a time. Yes I do go to my college regularly but then again I get bored there mostly. The class is filled with relative strangers and they are more selfish than the online people who reside in my friend list. They are the leeches. They get what they want and then they leave. Basically people are like that from the core of them. I stopped serving the EXTRA content to them now. Let them burn. I don’t care now for them as they didn’t cared for mine. Am I being selfish? Is the god testing me? Well tell you what, FUCK THEM all. I am god of my own life. God gave the people problems and solutions of it and then they game the free will and the whole equation got messed up. His system is corrupted. And so is he. He favours the people who are dishonest from the heart and he makes suffer the people who are honest.

I am alone indeed and I am also looking for a partner and the options I am getting, mostly online are not of my taste. I want a good one. A balanced one. Not just anyone. I am desperate but not to that extent that I would ruin my life for eternity. I don’t know why girls think that being a lonely person I would accept anyone. NO I WILL NOT. I will accept only people I have feelings of. And no one else is welcome. Yes I can consider people but they have to create a feeling inside me. And I don’t know perhaps my heart is already filled with enough memories of my looked & liked people or perhaps I have no heart at all. It’s all consumed by darkness. The people who left me when my time was wrong has no right to be with me when my time will turn to good. Perhaps I am suffering now to get a good time later. It’s a fool’s hope I know and against my nature I am counting on it. I just don’t think that some person will come into my life to make a heaven. Instead I know that whoever will come, if comes, will make it a living hell.

Troubles in my life are not leaving me. I am having multiple troubles in my body and umpteen in my mind. Maybe they are affecting each other. Mostly my problems is my satisfaction level. Perhaps I am a very hungry soul who starts to self-consume it. I am restless, Patience less, person. What a hungry man does? He looks, then begs, and when loses his sanity he then steals. I am going into the insanity I guess. But I don’t think I will steal, instead I will kill. I will kill all the darkness in me and I will try to be free again. Yes I want to fly.


And I WILL FLY..

Quicksand...

10:46 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Living a life in an environment filled with quicksand is not that much popularly imaginable among normal people. But hey, as of now all you guys knew that there is something abnormal in me too. So the fact is that I may have an unspoken license to show you nits and bits of bizarreness which otherwise is overlooked by the false propaganda of positivity, which is followed by some people, known and unknown to me. To them life is all about false hope and to me they are just fools. Hope is good if it’s logically used to predict the future. But I shouldn’t hope for things which are impossible at current scenario. So I don’t hold or give false hope. Living under a shadows of hope, in a dreamland is easy as it would give you an escape from reality and put on a coloured glass in your eyes. But being babysitted by someone or something else is not in my nature. I can’t help but to seek for the truth.

People come and go in my life just new trains. I found my problem that I expect every train to stay in the station. It’s like a collection. Yes I like to collect things and trophies. But people on the other hand are not an entity to be collected. They have their own will and they will not stay at a place for long time. People like new things and they will move on and so do I. I should also move on. I am a dynamic person, I know I have potentials but my time is not right. I need the right time to express myself and this feeling is not coming from the helplessness of mine in this situation but from the very core of my realizations. So I have decided not to be attached with anything because people will leave me in the end and I can’t let them take away my little pieces of heart because I have many people but only a fragment of heart left and I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a zombie. I am slowly becoming one. And that’s a shame that I can’t stop it from happening. The vacuum of my own black hole is consuming me slowly.

I decided to take on the advantage of the free mnp scheme of idea cellular currently going on in my city and will convert all my sim cards by this offer. I will get 56₹ in each sim cards with power for 6 months, a lucrative offer no doubt. but I thought that I have some people to talk to and just one by one dominos has fallen and they are gone. Puff!! No one is here now and I am wondering to whom I will talk now? Everyone is busy in their over pampered world. Where they have many people to lick their feet. And they feel king / queen of the world and put a closed eye on the reality. And when they are thrown in the harsh grounds of reality, bham! They complain that the reality is so cruel to them. Baby! Just grow up, the reality was harsh all the time when you were wearing a sunglass. So now please stop complaining because it is you who didn’t prepared for the fall. I have no one to text & call. I hate Facebook and any social media. These are just a tool for sending some information worldwide and a replacement to text messages to me and nothing else.

The friendly person inside of me is dying. And it’s the fault of my luck perhaps because there are people out there who are being taken care of by their gang, followers, friends and fans and I have nothing. Am I jealous? No. am I angry? Yes. To whom? On god because his distribution of luck in not fair and I don’t give a shit about my karma in my past life. Sorry to say this god but if you don’t give me my memory back it’s of no use to give me punishment for what I did in my past life. And I will not endure the pain which you think is I am eligible for.  I mean who the fuck you are to decide for me? Give me back my memories and we shall see about the punishments till then just keep a distance from me. You were not there when I cried. You were not there when I craved for some good things and there is absolutely no necessity of yours now. You are just an idolization of things beyond human control and nothing else. You mean creatures feed on our worships and fear. You give trouble so that we live in a constant fear and worship you. And you know what?


FUCK YOU..

Another New Year, 2014...

3:54 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
First of all Happy New Year to all. Hope you have all had fun and superb holidays, family gathering and vacations. I had my Kolkata tour. It was not very funny, nor it was very refreshing but it was indeed a breath of fresh air to me, to my rotten life out here. People would say I underestimate everything, especially my life, myself and the things I have. I maybe an unsatisfied soul but i never underestimated anything. I am a realist myself. I see truth, I seek truth and I am deprived of truth. I am really sick of my life. Its not enough. Its a hell hole with infinite incompleteness. I am suffering in it. I have lots to tell but do I have the proper audience? The question, I ask to myself every time I start to write something.

I will not recall 2013 as it would be pointless to recall an empty year like all the year i have spent. I gained some people in my life, they became important and eventually they betrayed and made me more alone. They left me to rot in hell while I cried alone. But I am not weak. I took my time, i stood again, i ditched all the grudges and all possible temptation for revenge. I forgave them all but i also learned that no one is mine. I am all alone myself. There is no one sad for me, neither anyone is happy. People are fake and they pretend many things. I learned that i should not get mesmerized by their vivid sparkling colorful feathers, they are as naked as any vulture in their own self. Its just about time when they start to show their own co lours.

I lost my only two best friends, one of my close brother like person, couple of girlfriends and many many so called friends, especially friends coming from an extremely filthy space called Facebook and maybe that is for good. I don't like formal relationships, they are good in corporate world. They are not welcome in my personal life. I would like to have relationships in minimal quantity but in optimal quality as for me relationship is a serious thing not the casual business of hire & fire. I gained some fat in my body and its mainly due to my immense indulgence in my sheer depression. I did many things and accomplished some goals preselected by me. Should i be proud of those? But why? Isn't it the normal things for every human being to set a goal, design a path and walk on it until its reached then what i have done so special to brag about? NOTHING.

Yes!, NOTHING is what is left in my life. I lost all my appetite to live and enjoy. I am living as my fleshly body is alive. I eat, drink, pee, poop & do all other regaler fleshly activities because its a need to body. But my mind, is dead, dead of hunger as its deprived of what it so craved for. I don't want to mention it here because i know i will never get it. Its what happening in my real life and its whats written in my birth chart. I am a loner, i am a lovelorn person. I should stay alone and i should stop caring about others because there is no one to care for me.

One of my friend said to me that i get indulged so much in other people’s life. Its maybe true. But without indulgence no relation survives and yes friendship is also a relation. So my friend is wrong about her perception about life and friendship. What she has stated to me represents her view and acceptability and eligibility as a friend. What she can give to her friends. She don't care about anyone. She don't follow anyone’s statement. She don't bother about any person’s life or death. For her she is prime and everything else is secondary. Well i understand that she have conceived this mind setting for some gruesome incident in her life. Perhaps she has tasted some bitter nuts but for that generalizing the life of every living soul is just not right.

Maybe the real friendship and real everything has been lost these days, especially this days of fake things, artificial things. We consume artificiality, we give artificiality and we have adopted to it. We don't accepted gold if it don't sparkle. We don't value things unless it has been lost. We mourn in real life but show our so called awesomeness in social media. We love to pretend, we love to get pretended. We love our false lives so much that often we forget the barriers between it. We take pictures not for memory, but for showoff. We dress up to make others naked. We don't deserve anymore to be called as humans, we are mere shadows of them. Real human has died with the fall of humanity. What is left are just hungry ghosts whose want for hunger is ever increasing. We all are black hole in ourself, we consume ourselves at last and we blame it on others.

What you guys think?
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