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Lone Walker..

10:11 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I had told her once to make moments with me, make so many moments that we will always be afraid of losing them. In that way we will never lose each other. But she never paid any heed and now she is getting other men who gave the most desired things of her. I know slowly I am becoming an arranged marriage material. Because all the love in myself is getting dried up. People are so mean. Mean because they didn’t knew what to value and how to value. Because? They have every pleasurable things piled up in front of them and they are readily available. That’s why they treat people like shit. They don’t know now that whatever they are doing now, they will get it back sure in this miserable life of theirs. Karma is a bitch.

I am working on some project now, given by my professors at college. Felt good when I got this and felt better when I knew that no one was ready to do it but then again I became sad realising that I am just getting used by someone. For the sake of college and for my obedience to it I am getting used. Not feeling well. My personal life is devastated. Life is so painful now but I know it’s my choice to make it pitiful or not. And I will not live in someone’s sympathy. Living in it is just equal to be dead again. And I don’t want to die. I was reborn with many sacrifices from my side and efforts from others. Can’t let them down. Can’t let their efforts into vein. I have to walk, even if I have to walk alone.

Had an immense joy when I saw daughter of my classmate. It’s so sweet soft and cute. Felt amazing for it. Becoming uncle for first time. I have grown and now I felt that I have some responsibility but is this really worth my life. What I am doing with my life? I know life is very beautiful but beauty without meaning is just wastage. What I have got in life so far? Nothing. And what I have lost? Everything. I know people with tell me that I have myself and so does everyone. Does it make any differences? I am not at all materialistic, well not at all. I would be happy if I would be one of them. I mean a Facebook password will make me happier than a gift. I will not miss any people I will just hold on to their gifts and will be happy thinking that they are with me. I want to be materialistic but I think something in your nature doesn’t change, it’s the core, the spine of your existence.

I am not crying for any partner of life. I am crying because I have no one proper in my life and I can’t leave people who are not with me properly. It sounds so selfish. I am a person who cried for hours to his best friend after selling his old mobile. Why? That old mobile was neither in good position nor did I get little money selling it. I got good amount of it. They why I was crying? Simply because I loved it and now it’s no more available to me. I am person who doesn’t let anything go. I want to live with all. Live with everything. But I think I am getting harder slowly. And when I will become hard enough I will be dead because my core part will be damaged forever and this Ramen will be gone. Will the people miss me? I don’t know, but I am sure they will remember me.

Social networking is filled with fake peoples. Can’t believe anyone there. Maybe it’s filled with some good-looking girls and boys and people like to watch them and flirt with them but I didn’t really mastered the art of flirting yet people call me a womanizer. Anyways, it doesn’t a matter now. I know what people think about me. Now I am so obvious that why people would like me? I don’t have a cute face nor a honking bike. I am not rich and I don’t put stylish pictures tagging n numbers of people so I am not popular and so I am not in demand. It’s all about marketing and it became so clear to me. We all sell ourselves and I am also preparing to do so, I just want to have my homework ready first-hand.

Walking towards the forward is the only way to move and I want to move, without it I would become dead…..

Coliseum of Catastrophe ...

3:21 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Human mind is an amazing thing. there is practically nothing it can't do. you main power lies in yourself, in your mind. it is the harness of all energy. both positive and negative. it can love and it can hate. god gifted us with all the powers, maybe powers greater than himself. we can take revenge or we can forgive. the choice, it lies always in our hand. our biggest failure is to think anything impossible instantaneously when we can not comprehend it using our own logics and philosophies. we take it as alien and we reject it from heart and thus we lose opportunity.

opportunity always knock once. people often lose it in search of the better one, but opportunity be it coming or going never stays as same. the next opportunity may be good or bad, may bring luck or bad luck but it would never be the same again. people misses it for their extreme wants. needs are good and limited but human wants cannot be fulfilled  no one can fulfil it unless you have your inner peace which comes from satisfaction.

As humans it is our birthright to err. We do errors, we must rectify it now and here, once em for all. there is no chance of waiting. sometimes some people's ego come between and their vision gets shaded. they forget about their aims and spend their times in doing worthless thing which seems so valuable at that momentum. some calls it MAYA.. the deepest urge to fulfil your dream is also maya. it is divine. they say Indra is the ruler of maya. but it is also fact that maya falls in none's control.

it is uncontrollable and it is justified. a beast, say a bison, hits a wall with all his strength without thinking about that it may get hurt, it may cost its life, it may have injuries and maybe its family gets lost from him forever. NO, it doesn't thinks about it. it just hits because it is not controlled by maya. we are controlled with maya. maya binds us all in a string and thats why we are all connected through maya. thats why humankind should take care of itself and everyone because we are all connected. its a global village.

Every people in this earth borns with some amount of Ego built in. some have less some have more and some people's ego decreases or increases by time. world is a dynamic place indeed thats why nothing is fixed here. today what is your's tomorrow it will be mine. and the story goes on of uncertainty. Ego is a fire which ruins everything, especially your relations.

In relationship the two people involve in this are like the wheels of a bicycle and each of them should also push and pull the paddle to give speed in the relation. too fast the speed, too tired the tires will become. too slow and they will lose their urge to work. it should be balanced. balance comes from inner peace and sacrifice compassion compromise and most of all trust.

Trust, the most valuable ingredient of any relationship. people lose trust because of their high self esteem, doubtful nature, Ego, misunderstandings, urge to fight more even beyond the scope of the problem. Doubtfulness brings insecurity which in turn brings unsatisfaction which brings disappointment and it brings sadness. now a sad person always radiates sadness. it is in human nature to radiate feeling. when you are happy everyone knows, some say it body language, some say its Aura. whatever it is, it shows.

My life is filled with errors. not the errors we programmers face everyday in our work or study. this errors are some done by us and some by situations. the act of god you might say but then again the debate of god being acting as evil may invoke. i am not going into that way right now. my point is that maybe i have done some errors but i am always prepared to rectify it, perhaps my software engineer background is more liable for it or maybe just because of my nature i am good in my field. nevertheless the point remains the same. i am what i am. and i should change according to the time WITHOUT changing my core values because this is my spine and this is what i am born with...

isnt it?

The Closure...

10:20 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Its been 45 days. i know i am taking too much time now a days to write a blog again. My regular readers were surely getting irritated. they want to know more about me. i can feel their anger in me. maybe because my biggest follower is perhaps me, the only living soul who wants to know and questions me continuously about what i am doing. maybe it guides me by asking the right directions. i am my only hope and i believe in it. i had no one in my life, persistently. everyone came and go like they never mattered, well instead i should say that i never mattered to them. they all came with a purpose, some known, some unknown.

Like this recently someone came to my life. i felt complete and secured with her. she came as a fresh wind. previously when i took my first month out from facebook. i thought of never going back to it. but then again reality knocked at my door and i realized that i have to save my internet connection to get disconnected permanently. so i recharged and came back to the cyber life which i sworn to leave at all cost.

though i realized that i am not at all addicted to FB, i curiously checked every details. i found a very sweet girl's message and a friend request which follows it. she said she wanted to be my friend and she liked my profile. we chatted and soon i was spending most of my hours chatting with her, chatting becomes calling and soon in a week we started dating. i liked her in first look and lover her hearing her words and learning her mentality. she was nice, very nice actually. just like my dreams she came alive to me. she is what i wished for, i got more than my demand from her. maybe its because my demand r low and maybe i am more mature than she. she became my whole world. i got attached to her and realised i am committed to her. i became happy, boundlessly.

Our choices matched astonishingly. we are from same ethnicity and community. i told my parents about it and they accepted her though they didn't forgot the last time they were betrayed. our relation grows deeper not by days but perhaps by hours. no matter what i promised myself that i will never let come anything between us and i let her free because true love always sets you free. we had a huge age difference, something about 7 years and yet she loved her madly. i saw true love in her eyes. the faith she had for me.

THEN

There came a series of small issues, issues became debates and her high ego ruined everything and breakup happened. may seems like a regular incident as one of my friend told me that girls breakup 28 times in a month, but jokes apart i hate breakups. it pains me like hell. and 4 breakups in 45 days is just too much to handle even for me i think. i cried for her in these 45 days like nothing. well, surely i will not discuss the very private things about us and our moments here but i can say i really loved her but her doubt about me grew larger day by day.

She doubted that i am having an affair with my best friend, who happens to be a girl whom i loved. she demanded my facebook password for that. i denied to give as it contains tons of messages from my friends across globe and filled with THEIR personal talks. i can't just hand over their privacy to someone they don't even know properly. i told her that i will give her my credentials only after deleting all the messages. she denied. she kept on telling me fowl words and my best friend also. i can endure everything but not the insult of my best friend. i know her and she stood besides me when there was no one in my darkest of days. i just cant leave my best friend for anyone.

She failed to realise that every people have their own place and priority. they should not fight among themselves for each other's place. and she did this mistake. she looked at her plate while overlooking the food's quantity in her plate. she wanted to know everything about me i readily agreed. i handed over a 18.5 pages of auto biography which i penned only for her in response of her 4 pages of emotions. i don't know but i never seen much boys to do that. i was faithful to her just i skipped some names but gave the full incidents to her as i didn't wanted her view about them is getting biased. but she thought that i am hiding things. later i agreed to give the names but she denied to take.

So, finally she broke up. it was ok, i knew she will come back and i will make her mine again but she ruined it with her uncontrolled words. sure i can forgive this too but for this she should be asking for forgiveness but still she didnt. she will not do, i know. her ego is too big. she is too immature to understand my silent love and care and perhaps i became too old to understand her blingful love. she wanted the whole of me but i cleared to her at first that i am into pieces. either she have to find them of have to accept me in pieces and someday perhaps by her glue of love i can be whole again.

It is true, god knows it that i was complete with her. i told everyone about her with sheer happiness. i didn't hoped for this relation to end because it was so damn perfect. i cried like hell but i know that i can never let her come back in my life because it is clear that we cant be together at this time. but the question is whether we can be together later or not. she is immature like a baby now. but will her maturity ever grow?

I dont know but i just hope for the best, i am trying too be positive this time and pray to god not to ruin it. please..
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