My Digitized Thoughts - Ramen Mukherjee ...

Hello world,

That all about two weeks of time makes me so confused, suffocated, so innerselfed that i finally felt what i m now. whats my status currently. Many new twists came and go in a jiffy. i rarely found any time of my own to think and to give some oxygen to my brain cells.today i finally get some time and i sat to my lappy to write some...

Maybe u guys know hw i had Done so much things for my parents.sacrificed many things for them.destroyed my health for them.and they r telling me today that i m a betrayer.i m blackmailing them.and what i wanted?some food for my hunger one day when my father is at doc’s chamber without knowing that regular doctor’s time and without telling me in advance so i cud may get prepared.no he don’t.

My mom caught chestpain and breathing problems and infection in chest and abdomen.mee too got struck by heatwaves [LOO] and having chestpain weakness breathing problem and low haemoglobin. Nothing more notable happens when after 5 or 6 days of continuous misunderstandings which she does in my evry word ,i finally have to clear out all my complains against my gf to her.the whole topic becomes so hot that it goes to breakup bt i nevr wanted a breakup and later maybe she realized that she love me.bt in this mean time my confusions for her become more prominent.i saw that our relationship is nt clicking.we lack the zing or the bang or the xfactor or whatever u call.bt surely we have to work hard.ya after long hours of texting and calling i finally realised that i dnt myself well.i have to realize myself,hear to my innerself and ask again myself the wuestion do i really love her?if the answer is yes then its good.if its no then its good also.bt i feel love for her in my heart well she is nt sure abt the name of our present relationship so i went on the idea that we sud dstay as we r bt less closeness.like doing only true friendship being gf bf.i don’t want to discuss the problems fo her as i respect her privacy.and as maa sarada said that u have to look for ur own faults before pointing your fingers out to someone else’s faults i m seeking my own dismerits..

Ya saumya is a big help and my first leap towards finding an answer for it.according to him i m degrared enough to become a bad person.i swere curse words more often,i stalk girls, i discuss sometimes bad things ewhich according to him should nt be done.biswa also supporting his thoughts.no 1 else does also except my parents ,to whom whatever i do is bad.i can never gbe a good son to them.what i thrive to be.bt i stopped trying as i saw that they might don’t like me specially my dad.no i dnt have any agony for them or for him.its my fault because nt every person can be wrong all the time isn’t it?

So i decided to just look onto myself now. to know myself better. i have to go deeper into my system. i feel that what my conscious brain thinks ,my sub-conscious brain maybe thinking the opposite. And between this contradiction of thought i m fighting within myself and i m running between the two horns of dilemma.

I haven’t checked my online a/c for months. downloaded English music, downloading some necessary softwares which i lost, getting my desktop. i have many things to do. one more thing happen in these days. ratri become committed and she didn’t told me until that day when i asked her directly abt that. she is nt happily committed. nice girl. always dreamt of a topper boy and nw she gt one. why i m nt so lucky? why i m nt a topper? i asked myself many times bt found no answer. and lastly i gt the conclusion that maybe i dnt deserve her.