My Digitized Thoughts - Ramen Mukherjee ...

Life never stops taking revenge from me. Everytime i tried to play god in my own life i failed. I failed myself ,i failed others. Huh i mean i m such a confused brat who don’t know that whether he loves his gf or nt? why? why? why my sub consion mind is playing games with my conscious mind?why i m nt free?why i cant come to a dececion and why don’t my stpory comes to a conclusion?today i again have to heard the same thing from my gf what my ex told me ones.i hate those lines and everytime those lines i heard i become sad.i just wanted some time from my gf to understand myself, she granted that and today she told me that she cant give me that time. She wants my answer now.and i cant give her an unassured answer. I don’t want to hurt her as she loves me from pure heart thats the fear which prevent me to let her closer to me. Ya i m loosing her also in that way bt at least she will curse me all her rest of her life and can life happily bt if she understands thats its all abt her then she wud be live all her life cursing herself and that i don’t want.my life is already ruined.i m used to of life i don’t want any other person to live the same life again.she told me i hurted her ,i m hurting her and i will hurt her that much is sure.i hurted her entife family and her mom specially who thought me as her own son bt as always i failed up in their expectations.she said to me that i talked with her mom in high tone and that disrespectful. I agreed bt what if some day some morning i wake her up from the bed and asking the question abt the relations with her dauther?then what wud happen? Bt though i m sorry to her.i aid that so.i m saying sorry publicly.

No i m nt a pure man.i may have some problems.maybe anywhere from inside i don’t love her.maybe she is right.or maybe she is wrong.i don’t know,the answer is unconcluded.i tried to find those.and i wanted some time.nw as there is no time i m nt bound to find the answers.she told me to be friend and she will get one frnd.bt nt that bf.ya i prevent her from coming closer to me because i fear what if someday i cant marry her? Then what will she answer to her husband? Orthodox Indian males don’t accept their women’s past always and her life wud be ruines for ever.nah i cant let that happen.let her think me as a betrayer.let her.i can accept her anger against me bt nt her tears.

She also told me that no one can adjust with me.i knew that.it is my curse thats why i don’t let anyone come closer to me.what a luck i have nw i have nt one bt two ex gfs in my classroom.the life keep bitter and bitter.from her respective she loved me truly and i didn’t understood that.from my respective i loved her bt i m confused abt the future.

There in no internet today , no electricity from yesterday night, no water as there is no electricity in our apartment, no food as there is no water to cook food, no water because my parents were out of house to see a doctor, no electricity because the transformer just blown out in the night and there is she waking me up from my sleep and telling me all possible emotional things and her anger outbursts.and when i m replying to it she is catching my words, i m in half sleep half awake condition.i told her many times that nt to take any dececions or catch my words when i m in such conditions.bt she did.she don’t hear to me......

From start she didn’t gave me any time to think. Whenever i begged time she just wanted the answer in no or yes. I felt forced from the beginning. she is telling me that her mother’s dececion wud be finale if ever i want her back and in the end she is telling me that its her choice to make.whats this?no stability in her own words?i saw that many times.tod her many times.bt everytime she thought this either as a non-emergency issue or my bizarre thought abt her.