My Regret - Part 1
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No one in this world wants to
live with regrets. I have no choice but to sleep every night cursing myself,
wake up every morning full of disgust. This is my world, full of hatred. Couple
of days later one of my classmate told me to start loving myself. How could I
just start to love myself? What I have to love in me? I am hated by all. I have
no stable life and love. Whoever I loved is lost now. Gone forever from my life
and I have to live with this regret, forever. I have been a loser in every
aspect of my life. I have already told about them many times here and none of
you saw it perhaps. Why would you? And that’s again another regret. I really
wanted my life in a book so that people can actually read that and get to know
what the life of a loser fellow like mine is, feels. It’s very bad to be Ramen.
I am writing this blog in morning time. Even before anyone can tell me Good
Morning. Well most of the time it’s me who tell the first because all other
people are so damn busy in their life and they don’t care about me.
Care is a very small word with a
very big meaning. In today’s world no one cares for anyone and you can hardly
find anyone here. If you are so damn lucky you will get many people who will
care for you even you show them your middle finger. I am talking about all
those “princesses” in Facebook for which boys are giving away their hearts. And
there are darksiders, who are invisible persons over the same domain.
I have already lost my male best
friend to some random girl whom he is loving from past 5 or 6 years. Had an
illusion that I have my female best friend, despite of the fact that she is too
committed from 2 or 3 years, but no, the matter is, I never had her, how could
I lost someone whom I never had? So I had none, I lost none. And now I am very
afraid to have anyone. I tried and I failed to make new friends, if I got
lucky, I failed to see their friendliness. Everyone is just spending their
pastime with me in Facebook. When they need me, the care, the support, a
shoulder, they come to me and when their work is done with me, they throw me
away like a wrapper of chocolate. Maybe this is the 2014’s way of sucking up on
people’s hope. I don’t know why people shows me hope. Breaking a hope after
showing is the worst kind of evilness. And in the end they will blame me for
having an expectation. What an irony isn’t it?
People giving hope, breaking them
and going away are justifying their cause and becoming good while the people
like me, whose heart got broken in due cause are becoming jerk in the eyes of
common people. Why? Just because we dared to hope or expect some good outcome
from them. We couldn’t become selfless monk and couldn’t follow “Srimad Bhagwad
Geeta” to its optimum.in 2014, we are the sinners. Our sin is to believe, to
hope, to expect, to trust.
To my so called female best
friend, her dream is everything to her, there should be no compromise, in her
words she loves them and her whole life is dedicated for them. Fair enough, we
all have some dreams, well I HAD, I don’t now, anyways, then comes her
favourite people, ranging from her family, extended family and in-laws.
Obviously she has a rocking love relationship again with her dream-man. She has
a dream family. Everything is good to her. But where am I in her life? There is
no me. I am not a part of her dream. I am just a phone of friend who now gets
30 minutes of her time in 1 or 2 days. We used to talk whole night and if not
we were talking for whole day, now she is too busy in her dreams that I might
have become her nightmare. Her dark past, her guilt trip to down memory lane. I
am not telling she is bad or bad to me. In front of me she is always good but I
am talking about the impact I have in her life. She won’t do anything I would
tell her, she will only do that if she feels good for it. She won’t obey me.
None of her family likes me, for the reason unknown. None of her friends know
about me, talks about me, I am like a hidden truth in her life. She won’t talk
about me to anyone. What would you call it? It will be very easy for her to escape
and break all the remaining faint links we have. And I know our time has come
to an end. Soon she will be married and everything will be lost. She is too
busy now in her dream life and would become busier in her future dream life.
She thinks I am unhappy about her living her dream or getting her dream job or
getting into a song school, she thinks I am jealous of her boyfriend (yes I
am), and best friends at school and life, no I am not. I am just too sad about
myself because somewhere I am getting deprived. From many a times I stopped
calling her from my side. She gives miscall and I call in back. I left it to
her. And I can see how it is declining day by day. And it will come to zero
soon. I just want to see when, despite of all her sweet talkings, I want to see
WHEN……
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