Thoughts in My Serenity - Part 2
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I did get detached from some
days. Maybe you will call it childish but I call it prevention of self-dignity.
This is the one thing that we humans have perhaps. It’s not my ego. I stopped
the communication & taking any kind of money and also I found some place
nearby to live because I desperately wanted to get out of this house. Where
there is no freedom and respect that place should be left quickly as the
management guru Chanakya said. But at the time of operation of my mom I had to
help them, as for my humanity goes but the wounds will never heal... they leave
the scars. I always keep to myself. And I will keep to myself always. Because
there is no one in this mortal world who have the slightest power to understand
me and who don’t understand me is simply not with me. Only another Ramen could
have understood me. And there is only one version of me, ME. Many claimed, many
had glimpses, but everyone failed to get me fully. This is the tragedy with me.
Either I am bigger than their capability of comprehension or I left a tiny mark
in their consciousness. Either ways, I am an invisible man, ignored one and I
take it as a complement. I like my serenity though it’s not my Zen of solitude,
it’s something I never tasted of, but I’m thrived to.
I saw my friends turning back on
me yet while receiving help from me. Every door I knocked for help was closed
on my face and then I realised that my role is to provide help not to get any.
God didn’t made me dependent on others. I am on my own. I wanted help for
movies, I let down. I wanted help with games, I turned down. When I was
downloading them, the god let me down by providing various problems. My
downloads were getting corrupted. I am not getting the contents. But having
faith on the saying that slow but steady pace always wins the race, I continued
my journey of a downloader. College net was not sufficient this time because
too much user online there. But I have no other medium to collect my contents.
Even I received 2KBPS speed when I was supposed to get 2MBPS speed. But still I
never back down.
While in the hospital it was a
very strange experience of sudden panic when I saw my mother crying from
immense pain and getting suffocated. I thought one time that this is it and she
is going to collapse anytime now. I prayed & chanted ancient Buddhist
mantras all the time and sometimes later she did get relieved. Don’t know what
worked and how and I don’t care about it now. She is alive and well and that’s
all for me. I did my duty of being a son and I am now off. The hospital was a
cheap one because we couldn’t afford a very good one. The atmosphere was not
very good there. It was a totally veg area. Anytime of non-veg was not allowed
within the compound and that pissed me off so much. Because I am a hard-core
non-veg person. Can’t really live without onions, garlic, chicken, mutton,
eggs. Not a very fond of fishes unless it’s Hilsha, Vetki or prawn. Even I love
soybeans but without onion garlic. No sorry I don’t want to eat anything. The
dormitory was pathetic and the toilets are awful. The person who made the
hospital wasted the lands donated to him by making temples and structures but
not providing basic and clean necessities.
I took my tab there was it proved
no use there as I am not very fond of being connected all the time and also the
network in Raniganj was pathetic. The electricity was interrupted all the time
because of load shedding. Can’t use the laptop and watch movies at that time
because of the tension. And also there was not enough space and ambience to do
so. Came to know many things about life there, saw deaths, realised how short
life is. But later I thought that what I can do about this. There are no
coincidence in this world and everything is connected.
From the inside of an uncertainty
of our friendship, it survived quite miraculously. Now we are friends and
talking over phone sometimes when she feels it safe to talk. But then again the
question remains the same. FOR HOW LONG? I lost everything precious in my life.
And in every Durga Puja I lose something. Maybe this time it will be she?
Because I have nothing dear to me this time, the only thing that I am afraid of
losing is her. Maybe the only way of not losing her is to lose her now and have
no feelings so that she will not get lost again. I don’t know what to do.
I
only know that I have to do…
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