Thoughts in My Serenity - Part 1
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I know I haven't written anything
from many days, well I don't usually write unless something shakes me
emotionally and I think that being awake the whole night is enough for me to
trigger the inner psycho-emo writer within me. And it did its job perfectly. As
far I remember I have much thing to tell. Nothing to hear now I guess. Nothing
new this time. It was all a big old mess. Sometimes you just wish that you
didn't heard anything. Sometimes you pretend that nothing is wrong in this
world and everything is fine just by turning your face in other direction. You
can run, you can even hide from others, but not from yourself. This will your
soul like a plaque. You die infinite times and yet thrive to get the pieces
right of that dark puzzle and just when you start sipping in your coffee mug
thinking that everything is fine then BOOM! The darkness gets you and this is
how the god’s plan of sucking the life-force out of you works. It gets me every
time.
Someday ago I was invited to my
maternal uncle’s son’s holy threading ceremony. I met with couple of people.
Saw one of my Facebook friend there and as usual we didn't talked & later
after some days she pinged me on Facebook and told me that I was showing her
attitude that day when what really happened is that I was quite introvert that
time and she, being non spoken person to me I couldn't gather enough will to
talk to her. But I did noticed her. How could I not? I liked her in past. The
party was average, it’s basically a family party and I saw all the known faces
who either don't give me a damn or vice versa. It was a damn busy and tiring
day for me as well because not just my MCA semester exams was going on, but I
was tired from my mind also. I don’t like people gathering, I m a loner kind of
a person perhaps. I don't like people screaming on top of their voices and
laughing unnecessarily. Maybe I see too much but I know all of these were fake.
People will talk bad in the back of others. It happened with me also. Will talk
about that in later part.
Then, there I met with someone,
with whom there was no contact from the first time we met in my childhood. Yes
she was charming but that’s not the cause that I am mentioning her. It’s
something beyond charm and her being my opposite gender and all those things.
It’s something unexplainable. I don't know how I represented myself, what kind
of first impression I gave to her or what she thought of me. At first I didn't
give any damn like all the time. But later I don’t know why, while talking to
her I get attached. We became friends, well, once again, for how long this time
only god knows because I'm destiny’s child always. Well a forgotten child, most
of the times. But it never stopped kicking my ass in the meantime in a meanest
way possible.
My exams went fine. I was so worried
about the mathematics paper (operation research) because the ongoing question
trend was changed and now at the brink of exam it was fully unpredictable and
being a human its natural to fear the unpredictable and the unknown but somehow
I managed to conquer my fear not by becoming a fear this time but you can say
by taking a leap of faith. At the end of the exams I really didn't cared about
the finishing of exam but the time I was having with her talking. The more time
we spent together the more concerned I became of her. Then there came the last
day of my exam and perhaps the exam of my life when I was forbidden from my
home to meet her in person just because of some shitty family honour issues.
I stopped talking with my family
instantly at that moment. I continued this for over a week and then I had to
talk because of my mother’s gall bladder operation. I didn't stopped talking
because of what my parents said about me. I never go on the words but the
sentiment in the back. I learned from the shadows that what they actually think
of me. What’s their perception about me and what concept they have about me. I
was very hurt to see that they think of me as a worst guy possible. And the
dogma they put on my character was very bad. I was always an open book for all.
A transparent guy and yet how they dare to call me characterless just because I
wanted to talk to a girl? So middle-class pathetic narrow mentality. And they
are my parents. What the hell was they thinking? Well there is certainly no
answer. The once thing I could was to get detached from the poison.
AND I DID…
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