My Regret - Part 2
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It’s a matter of a man’s dignity
to estimate his value in someone else’s life and in time get out from there
when there is still any respect left in that person’s heart. Because soon it
will become empty and then they will kick you out of their life. Another regret
is about me being not a living citizen of Kolkata. If I would be a citizen
there I could have become a better friend to my best friend and probably to
many other people. But no, I am not. I am a citizen of a place where shitheads
live. Kolkata is a very happening place, none of its citizen wants to demote
themselves and com to any place lower than this. They all want to migrate to a
better place and if not possible then want to stay there. So it’s logical for
her to not accept me. I am not living there, I am not be at her help if she
would need me. And anyways that place was always being full filled by her
boyfriend, even when he was not her boyfriend. I am too fool to see the bond
between them.
But then again despite of all my
wisdom and thinking of getting out of it didn’t worked on me because somehow I
am addicted to her. Maybe this is love or I am simply addicted like an
alcoholic. Whatever be the reason I feel connected to her. She knows everything
about me but does she really knows me? That’s is the question. She knows my
habits. But what about me? The fact is that maybe I can’t grasp this bitter
pill that she is not mine now. She was never mine though. She wanted a normal
stable life and she had it. Am I just being jealous of her too? If that is so
then it would be a sin for me. I am already a big sinner. Don’t want to
increase my burden any more.
I have seen many strange things
in my life which otherwise could be labelled as normal by other people who
haven’t experienced them but just head of them. The moral my story, when I
love/like someone they don’t, when someone like/loved me, I don’t find any
feelings and when we both love/like each other some external factors comes into
the scene and this time its family problem which have come between me & my
new found like. Uncertainty is certainly a curse and it causes immense pain.
Our relationship doesn’t have a proper future as of now. I don’t know she will
fight for me or not. As far I understood, she will NOT fight for me. She will
stay in safe. And I too can’t do anything about it because what’s the point of
fighting for someone who is so afraid of fighting for me?
Everything was so perfect between
us. Our likes dislikes family positions…. Well most of it. I feel a
supernatural cosmic connection with her. She has everything which I like and
she says its same feeling in her side too. I am not saying that I don’t have
any regrets and disappointments in this chapter but those could be lived with
or dealt with in due course of time in future and I will also not say that I
didn’t found any loopholes in her story but still I chose to believe her fully
without going into conflict and digging up the things. No matter whatever she
is doing with me, I will not lose my calm this time. If she is making a fool out
of me, I will let her do so until I lose my appetite of her bullshit and if she
really loves me she will fight for me and the time will show it to me. Time
shows it all. It has shown me everything so far, some I chose not to see and to
some I gave a blind eye but still that doesn’t changes the truth. And the truth
is I am abused and played with by many like a football and still I am alive and
kicking.
I am a survivor. This is my life.
To keep fighting. Sometimes it feels so bullshit to me that I lose my calm and
again anger takes place and at the end the regret of doing so. So you see my
life is full of regrets. My physical, mental states, my financial condition, my
studies, my life everything is filled with utmost regrets. I have no one to
share them. And who will want to share those with me. What in it for them?
Nothing but darkness. So it’s my fight and my fight alone. I need no partner in
it. People are welcome and they are free to leave. I won’t be hold on to
anyone. People are selfish and they always find the way to use other people for
their own purpose. In my male life I saw most of the females doing so. Keeping
and driving us like drones while they are enjoying life like a hive queen and
maybe it’s true also to my opposite gender counterpart also.
There is no end of regrets and it
keeps on increasing exponentially when someone thinks of it again and again and
again…. But what regrets leave us with is more regrets. Isn’t it?
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