My Digitized Thoughts - Ramen Mukherjee ...

This seems to be very complicated for an average Joe. People who don’t have aim, don’t succeed, they say. But to have an aim you need do perform your SWOT analysis. I performed it and I do it on a regular basis. And I know the ways to fool me, my weaknesses but I fail to cover them up each and every time. Is it called the nature of a human being? Can’t be changed. Not every human being have same qualities and thus not every human beings have same nature. Everyone is different, what is bad to you might be good to someone else. So when we judge any people, it’s solely from our own perspective.

A lonely person care a lot, that’s what they say. Actually the most unhappy person tries to make everyone happy. Because he know the pain of being deprived of happiness. Happiness means different to different people and the definition varies. Some people are sad because of the moments they spent with their loved ones and who are not now in their life. The lives of others are complicated things.

We are all prisoners of our own thought. Just think about it

Legendary singer Manna Dey has passed away. Local clubs are playing his songs from morning, well I do respect him a lot because he is a person who gave Bengali singing a great stage worldwide but the problem is that it has become really irritating now. All those songs are playing the loop, through the day. I would really like to have a silent evening. I don't think playing songs of a legend will show any extra homage. I think it would be more effective if there will be any scholarship in his name by which many meritorious singer will get the opportunity to take India’s name to even higher grounds. That would be more proper and will make sense. By this he will be always remembered. But anyway it is India, if there will be any scholarship then there will be reservation quota and most of the people will suffer and the money spent will end up being the Swiss bank accounts of some politicians. We are totally corrupted country and corruption is like in our veins. I am not ashamed of saying that India is constantly making rapist, capitalist and corrupted people.

I really hate quota or reservation system. It’s so downgrade. It’s not because I belong to a higher general cast, actually among the top casts. I don’t believe in cast systems and through the reservation systems the government is keeping this cast systems alive. It’s their hidden trick to get maximum votes. If they will declare that everyone is SAME, as written in our constitution, and they will start to work on that practically then there will be no issues by which they will play their dirty game of throne, named politics.

If there ever be any reservation system then that should be on the basis of merit not on name. People with less bank balance should get more privilege. There are lower cast people who roam here and there in costly cars and use iPhone but they get all the free perks and benefits of being a person of a lower caste. General cast people are really barred from having government study and jobs that why private colleges and companies are filled with more general caste candidates because they don’t have any place to go. This is decaying their potentials also. This doesn't mean that a person of lower cast must be poor. This is an absolutely bullshit idea and political parties are keeping this fool’s gold alive and every now and then they make issues with it to stir up the political scenario.

Today after many a days I feel like writing. Writing to my mind off. They say I can write very nice and I talk good. I am a communicator, I don’t know I am a good orator or not but definitely I can communicate. That’s why I have large number of acquaintances. But I fail to keep friends. Friends come and go maybe they don’t stay because they fail in my friendship test. There are people who only contact me in need. My phone battery stays longer because I don’t have friends to talk. I may have the latest smartphone with all those online messengers built in, all those online SNS are integrated, but I don’t have friends to chat for hours. I feel like a looser sometimes they all say that there are better people who are waiting for me but the thing is that I have a shorter time in my hand.

I write when I feel writing, I am a very moody person. My mood is the only king I serve perhaps. Today I am in mood of writing so I am writing. I am feeling emotionally low today and in reality I feel Facebook is just a real shit now a days. It’s so fake and it makes people so restless. People are doing crazy things out there just to look cool. The picture mania and the race of being more photogenic has made people losing their identity. They are behaving like they have lost their own soul in search of being like other.

Oh! It’s raining too much, I think I am going to need one more cup of tea…

bye

Every new day I begin, feel like just the day I have finished dwelling. Every day I fight with myself. Lost so many people in my journey and I know, no matter what I do, I will lose many. Are those all sacrifices I made or the betrayals I face? My days pass by one by one without any accomplishments and sometimes I feel confused. I thrive for excitements, I need thrill in my life. I would like to have a joy ride. I like to live my life. Out of all these boundaries. I like to live like this is the last day of my life. But there are some constrains of doing all these, one is the money, as you all know, I am poor and second is well second is my family, they are too protective and I have tons of responsibilities upon my shoulder. I would like to break free all the chains of responsibilities. And I would like to live like a king but I can’t even dream of a dream in my dreams, maybe because I am too much realist. I stopped dreaming and expecting. I don’t hope. I am philosophical as well as a practical person. That’s the main problem. I am a weird hybrid.

I am so much confused about my life and living right now. What will be my future? I am not a good student anymore. I can feel that. I have lost my edge. Am I becoming crazy day by day or its just some medicines? Yes I need help some times. Everybody does. Most of the time I need some moral support. I don’t have any. I have friends but sometimes I feel that I have people whom I think as friends. Are they really my friends? Why they turn their faces when I needed them? So I stopped making friends in real life. They are all same.

When I just look at the past I can realise that those are all teachings. I should not love I guess. It brings immense love and no matter what I do, I always feel unsatisfied. No matter how much I do in the name of friendship I only get betrayal. I find people worth living for but they can’t be mine. And the people who think that I will be the one fail to give me any feeling. Feelings can’t be made nor destroyed. I have my feelings too and they are immortal, they will never change, no matter they change or not.

Day after day I feel lazy. I don’t find purposes of my being and work now a days. I seems to lose my purpose. A purposeless life is a curse. When Life becomes a lie and you realise in the end is the worst thing could happen to you. I live in a directionless world. Where I am going? I am walking a lonely road where I have no one to tell me about directions. I don’t have any compass. I am going by my instincts. And I am all alone and perhaps I don’t need anyone because following anyone is really not in my nature. I brought up being independent. I am a person of air element. I know I have potentials but to make right things, right ingredients are needed and my ingredients are not right.

I felt that my life has been made mechanical. Every day I do the same things with the same thing and according to same way. It’s so in routine except the fact that I don’t make routines. I don’t study much, I don’t need to. I have my flaws. Many flaws. Tons of flaws which actually makes me human in my way. If a person would like to accept me they have to accept my faults too. I don’t have much in me except myself. I am poor person. Sometimes I don’t like it, and sometimes I feel proud because it is what made me in this way. I am self-dependent. I don’t look at other people in hope for help. People think I may be rude but it’s because of them I am like this.

My life is going sooth with my new Lumia. It’s a very nice phone and I am sure that with careful updates it will be the next big thing. The interface is nice big and colourful. It’s fun and fast. I am sure that higher brands of windows phone gives more features out of box but no matter what I love my red hot phone. And by somehow I think it has brought me good luck. I believe it so. Belief is a thing that should be earned and it has earned it. There are many things which are not good about Lumia, I am not saying that they are bad, but sometimes they seems odd. I have already discussed about that with the concerned departments and I hope there is an update in the pipeline.

Went to college today but none of the classes took place. We decided to observe a two days of mass bunk to ready our assignments and other works. Well college is a nice place to observe people who come from different mentality and when they go, they go with a typical college mentality. I love going to college not only it gives me a chance to learn more about human beings but also it helps me to have some money in my pocket. Money is the thing I want the most and after losing all my three tuitions and buying a costly mobile, my financial condition have become poor. Also I have invested in my friend’s company for a monthly SIP, which will cost me much. I hope for the best for future. I need a good luck charm in my life. I am so unlucky.

Does good luck depends on the astrological signs? Does it really depend on the planetary positions? Does two people’s life depends on it? Does love is dependent on planetary positions? I believe Love needs nothing to be dependent on expect the two people’s will to be together. Love itself is the strength and pillar for other things and aspects of life. Without love nothing matters in life. Without love we are all hollow vessels. Person without love is a person without god. God stays in the heart filled with love then how it can be dependent on planetary positions? My planets doesn’t matches with my girl, we are worried about it but slowly I am gaining my faith on my love. I will work on to strengthen it.

I have to concentrate more on my studies. I am seems to be ignoring it now a days. Actually after the blackout phases I lose my will to work on. And recently after a blackout I lost my will to go to MBA classes, the result is that I have lost many classes. I need to have good marks in my semesters of both the degrees, otherwise I will not be having good jobs. I need to get a job after completion of my Master’s degree. Enough is enough, now I need a job. I have big dreams, I have to work for them and NOW.

Today I went to my local Vodafone store to enquire about connection, mainly post-paid so that I can port my existing connection. I am using a virgin number. But it’s now an alarming state here. DoCoMo has already closed down its services in my city and I don’t want to lose my number as it’s my identity and a well-established one. People can get to me from anywhere on the world and it’s engraved in my identity so I can’t lose it.

Wish me luck J

bye

I got the chance to be with her. She accepted my proposal last day. I am so happy to have her but more than that I am feeling complete. Talked to her last night and I just kept on talking. Her voice so cute and soothing. I am a person who don’t need any specific topic to speak. And she like to listen. Isn’t it a great combination between us? I always thought that there is something between us. Never thought that she would agree to my proposal I felt like on cloud nine now. Can’t share her name for obvious reasons. I won’t be telling anything to anyone this time. One of my old friend is right, people start to envy you when you are doing well and that envious mentality can bring negativity to your good things and deeds. So this time I will be going incognito.

She is a psychology student and wants to be a psychologist and this is the first thing I need, a psychologist for life who can understand me and judge me when I am wrong. This is a nice thing for me. She lives in Kolkata but to me she didn’t felt like any Kolkataian rude girl. She lived at a very corner of the city but yet so filled with life. I think that’s why it clicked between us because she is all balanced. She is modern yet traditional and I like this approach. That sari and iPhone type combination is the chief code I was looking for so much days. She sounded understanding and let’s hope she will understand me fully like my best friends.

When I learned about her requirement of a boy I thought that I will be the last person she will ever want to spend her rest of life. I lost my appetite and I saw darkness before my eyes. But later when she accepted it softly and aptly I celebrated much with myself because I was feeling alone no more. She is with me. I felt complete. I felt awesome and felt like superman. I become confident. And that’s all for her. Its Maa Durga’s gift to me. She gave me one of her parts. Yes I believe so, my partner is a part of the deity because I feel so much respect and attachment to her. Maybe Maa Durga got fed up with my regular complains to her for being lonely and she finally gave her forgotten son a blessing. Now maybe it’s up to me to protect and nurture it.

Today morning I woke with an immense smile on my face. I was thinking about the last night. We talked so much. Now I have to run for a DoCoMo sim card. I need it badly now. I need some night plans and some sms packs. Otherwise internet plan will be regular in my phone. I need to stay connected to her no matter what. She is the one to the solution of all my problems. She is my lady doctor and I’m her heart patient. The lady doctor I always wanted ^_^

Bye friends and wish me luck J

Happy EID and BIJOYA

Just after a week my best friend’s birthday, I know she is going to spend that with her loved ones. The people whom she loves. I am not in that list. I don’t know, in whose list I am in. maybe there is no one in whose list I am present. I am invisible in everyone’s list and my list is overloaded with names. It’s so ironically funny. My phone’s contact list is filled with names. Some I know, some I don’t and some I can’t forget. Yet I find no one to contact. Isn’t it a cursed life?

Oh! I caught some serious cold, though I have taken medicines for that because I don’t want to spend my rest of holidays sneezing. One of my new friend on Facebook has come back after couple of days. Chatting to her is nice. Yesterday I also called one of my friend, seems we have forgot each other. Well after a nice talk over phone I felt good. At least some people remembered me. Many have forgotten me. It’s really sad that sometimes we don’t find feelings for the people who genuinely loves us. I know there are just few people who loves me but I couldn’t grow any feelings for them. I know the consequences when someone grows feelings for some people unnaturally. I am a sufferer of this and perhaps for me there is another person who suffered.

Lastly came the time for calling people up and wishing bijoya. Well we have to call many of my family members despite the fact that we are among the elders. It’s the fate of some people I think to get the respect of others. Others have to toil for it. My so called extended family is not so good. Neither my friends, oh! I don’t have friends. Forgot that. Some people just wished me in facebook, some will send msg tomorrow, as today is a mobile blackout day, and I am not worth a penny to anyone. Saw the movie Jobs, sometimes I was relating myself to it. I am too cut off from the world. Maybe I am living in my own world. Not a geeky one but a dark one.

Now as puja has ended its now again the wait of 384 days….

Suvo Bijoyaa everyone.

Navami is a special day for me, it’s actually the last day for my parent’s navaratri meaning that I can now have non meal from the next day. It makes me so happy because I don’t like veg meals. Well if it’s cooked nicely then its ok but I don’t know why, I don’t like my mom’s cooking. Strange maybe to you, but it’s true. Searching for hotels in this festive time is very troublesome. And all those food stalls serves the worst kind of food ever possible. Especially those chaat stalls serves food older than the stall itself.

So I don’t like being outside of my room generally. At Ashtami my best friend dragged me to Mission, where we had our lunch. “Khichuri” is always my hot favourite. It’s made from simple rice and lenticels but if cooked nicely with good spices it’s awesome. No wonder why it gets served to the gods as offering. In Navami my local club organised a feat and they served Pulao and sabji. While the pulao was nice the sabji (veg curry) was not.

At the evening time, the Phailin hit the Asansol. More than 2 hours at a stretch it rained hard. No food stall was able to prepare any food and thus there were no food stalls outside. I roamed the area in search of a food stall because I was starving but found only one. I ordered one chicken and one egg roll and just when I gave my first bite to the egg roll one club nearby announced that they are offering Khichuri as navami prasaad. My heart jumped with joy as I love Khichuri. But I already ordered a 40rs of food and they have prepared it also. The shop is much known to me. Can’t cancel the order. But I was determined to have Khichuri so after finishing rolls I went to the club and had khichuri to my heart’s content and after that I called my home and told them to grab some utensils and take some khichuri, obviously for me as they will not be having any food made outside home. My father brought some more khichuri which I had at night and after that I was feeling like sleeping.

I know today I am going to sleep like a baby because rice makes much alcohol in the body and it makes a person drowsy. But I also have to chat with some people. I got some new and good friends over Facebook. And I love to chat with them. They are sweet in nature. Not like the other people, staying for times in my profile. I know they will also show their true colours after some time but meanwhile I must enjoy knowing them and chatting to them. It’s like my cure for loneliness.

Sometimes I wonder how lonely am I and why I am so lonely. My only friends are all either virtual or busy. Yet I thrive to talk to them. I am so talkative and that’s a very bad thing for me. I always feel like chatting.

I think I caught cold. It’s after many years I caught cold. I am happy about it. Though I know I will be suffering the next day but still it made me feel like human. I love getting ill. People gives so much importance at that time. I like to be in the centre of attention.

I need to clear up my movie repository I have planned to watch them all during these days but I failed to do so. And now as I caught cold I lost my patience to watch them all and if I don’t watch them minutely I can’t rate them and rating movies is my grand hobby now a days. Seems like blogging and movie criticism are my only two hobbies now a days. I lost my edge in gaming now I can’t play much and I don’t get time also to finish a 20 22 hours games.

Okk guys have to sllep now. ciao

Gave anjalai now. But am I blessed enough to count on this throughout the year full of good blessing? Living alone now because everyone is busy. Everyone is doing something with someone and I will see the results at the end but right now they are busy and they have no time for me. They will only find me when they will need me. I know that, it happens every time. No one cares about me. The question is why would people care about me? Who am I? Nothing but just an ordinary person.

In the pandal I saw many people making queue to get ready for the Anjali, some people I know, some I may know and some I don’t. But no one looked at me a like I am invisible. This invisibility is a bliss at sometimes, I do agree to it. But as a human we thrive to get highlight of at least a person. It’s like out rejuvenation source. We get rejuvenated every time we get some priority. It’s like a painkiller for every reason. We find our reason of being through it. And a priority less life is a shit. And this priority has many names, faith trust love are some kind of name given to it. And it does changes form to one to another. It’s like a power, an energy. Changes form, creates form but never degrades.

Personally I don’t like pandal hopping, it’s tiresome. I don’t like the crowd either, too much of cacophony. I don’t have friends, team or groups so I don’t like to get out because I don’t like to roam alone. And also I am not comfortable with loud music and sound. Sound is ok in my headphone only. I feel restless. Maybe I like my darkness, it’s cool and I can stay calm. Mental illness? You can say or it’s a state of mind and more advance cool mind. I feel good when I at the home still I don’t like my home. The environment is bad and the Vaastu is totally opposite of what needs to be COMPATIBLE.

Whenever I think of getting married, I think more than I forget and lastly I reach to the conclusion that I am not ready and I too don’t know when I will get ready to feed another person of my own. I am still feeding on my father’s money. I realised one thing that people dress up and make style and fashion statements just to get the attention of opposite sex. The world is moving around this theory and we don’t even realise it. We study to get a good job. Good job gets us good money. Good money gets us good partner. Good partner gives us good sex and finally we get a good family of our own. It’s always about having a good partner. From the dawn of humankind. We always did things which attracts the other sex. Boys used to rode horse, now bike. They used to fight and become macho man and unfortunately they do this even now. They used to style with open body and now girls are following that. So it’s always about getting in the lime light of another sex. No matter it’s the ONE or it’s for everyone. We always do something different to be on the spotlight. That is however really amazing.

And in this corner I don’t know how to dress, how to do style, I look not so good and definitely I am not handsome. I have a personality which only few people appreciates. And everything about me is completely opposite of what my opposite sex needs, hunk, handsome, rich, high degree, good job, deep pocket, cute face, spineless… I am not like this. By the nature I am like a man of 60 years of age. And I look like a 35 years of a person. People of my original age keep a distance from me thinking that I am not one of them. To the elders I am definitely a child, so they keep a distance from me and the kids call me uncle and now a days I really enjoy this. At least someone is showing some respect, one way or another I am getting it.

Finally I learned that no matter what you do, you fate will drive you, so you just have to get rich or die trying.. eeh ?

Well many people will get committed now. Many people will break up. Well it’s obvious because according to Honey Singh, no one is getting a first-hand material so it better not to hope for any and be happy with whatever you are getting for FREE. So most of the girl friends are second hand and often they are not virgin. But hey at least you are getting some while some people are standing in the queue and are still alone envying you. So try to appreciate it. Anyways, no matter what you do, your relationship has come with an expiry date so try to live every day, love everyday. Keep your heart strong because any day you can get a shock. Never give up your entire life for one person, if she/he is not loyal enough because there are many tasty fish in the pond. You should be a constant gardener.

I haven’t bought a bottle of perfume. I chose not to buy any clothes this year, I have enough of it. I don’t want to increase the burden of new shirts and jeans. Many people thought many things about me because of my decisions. Well friends I did bought a new Lumia, right? Consider it my puja bazaar. And YES and I don’t have tons of money to waste so I chose to spend it wisely.

Maybe it is truth that I thrive for popularity and by the god’s grace I am popular but I’m popular for the things which I personally don’t consider the cause of being remembered. But this is the fallacy of my luck perhaps. Oh wait isn’t it the signature of the weak to blame it on the fate as by Dr. Shiv Khera, well to him I can say one thing, somethings in life can only be understood by experience. I experienced fate, the last brick of the wall, thus I can say there is a phenomena called fate and I hope someday you will also realise it.

Day by day Facebook is getting filled by pictures, pictures of cute girls wearing saree (my hot favourite), pictures of groupies and hangouts, pictures of pandals and pandal hopping and not to forget some rich photographers with DSLRs, clicking on the pictures of street dogs to wanna be mallika sherawats. And having a bf with a SLR is a boon for girls so now a new priority of must have quality has been added to the already long list of girls and that is that the boy MUST have a SLR along with a bike, money, six packs, cute face, good degree, nice job, deep pocket etc etc etc…… and more etc. Girls are so greedy even pigs will be ashamed. What a boy needs? Sexy figure, sweet smile and some sensible person wants a good mind. What a girl needs? Don’t ask, I can’t write another bible.

After WhatsApp’s mishap it is working well now. From yesterday morning I was trying to have the thing working then I searched the net and found out that it has been hacked.  Well even I got back the whatsapp I still find it lonely out there. I am lonely online. I am lonely offline and I am lonely everywhere because I am lonely from the mind. I am trying to be positive, reading books for that but still not be able to become one so called positive person. What I feel is that a positive person is a person who has their vision blurred with false hope, where a negative person’s vision works in HD. I can see many things which many people ignores. Positivity is a good thing but being positive about the negative is better in my sense. Black is black and white is white. People should not try to mix them up.

Catch you later folks..