Confusions, Confusions...
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Am I wasting my day to day time?
I am looking at utter darkness. Totally distressed. Weather is like hell here
and so is my life. I am feeling too much alone today. Don’t know why. Maybe
it’s the weather, maybe it’s that I am suffering from fever. Sometimes I feel
like all of this life is a lie and a dream. And one day I will wake up. Is it a
fool’s hope? Am I dying inside? Is my
own soul is lost? I need to feel alive again. Oh lord why you are killing my
soul slowly. Kill me instead. Why you are increasing my confusion?
Every new day I begin, feel like
just the day I have finished dwelling. Every day I fight with myself. Lost so
many people in my journey and I know, no matter what I do, I will lose many.
Are those all sacrifices I made or the betrayals I face? My days pass by one by
one without any accomplishments and sometimes I feel confused. I thrive for
excitements, I need thrill in my life. I would like to have a joy ride. I like
to live my life. Out of all these boundaries. I like to live like this is the
last day of my life. But there are some constrains of doing all these, one is
the money, as you all know, I am poor and second is well second is my family,
they are too protective and I have tons of responsibilities upon my shoulder. I
would like to break free all the chains of responsibilities. And I would like
to live like a king but I can’t even dream of a dream in my dreams, maybe
because I am too much realist. I stopped dreaming and expecting. I don’t hope.
I am philosophical as well as a practical person. That’s the main problem. I am
a weird hybrid.
I am so much confused about my
life and living right now. What will be my future? I am not a good student
anymore. I can feel that. I have lost my edge. Am I becoming crazy day by day
or its just some medicines? Yes I need help some times. Everybody does. Most of
the time I need some moral support. I don’t have any. I have friends but
sometimes I feel that I have people whom I think as friends. Are they really my
friends? Why they turn their faces when I needed them? So I stopped making
friends in real life. They are all same.
When I just look at the past I
can realise that those are all teachings. I should not love I guess. It brings
immense love and no matter what I do, I always feel unsatisfied. No matter how
much I do in the name of friendship I only get betrayal. I find people worth
living for but they can’t be mine. And the people who think that I will be the
one fail to give me any feeling. Feelings can’t be made nor destroyed. I have
my feelings too and they are immortal, they will never change, no matter they
change or not.
Day after day I feel lazy. I
don’t find purposes of my being and work now a days. I seems to lose my
purpose. A purposeless life is a curse. When Life becomes a lie and you realise
in the end is the worst thing could happen to you. I live in a directionless
world. Where I am going? I am walking a lonely road where I have no one to tell
me about directions. I don’t have any compass. I am going by my instincts. And
I am all alone and perhaps I don’t need anyone because following anyone is
really not in my nature. I brought up being independent. I am a person of air
element. I know I have potentials but to make right things, right ingredients
are needed and my ingredients are not right.
I felt that my life has been made
mechanical. Every day I do the same things with the same thing and according to
same way. It’s so in routine except the fact that I don’t make routines. I
don’t study much, I don’t need to. I have my flaws. Many flaws. Tons of flaws
which actually makes me human in my way. If a person would like to accept me
they have to accept my faults too. I don’t have much in me except myself. I am
poor person. Sometimes I don’t like it, and sometimes I feel proud because it
is what made me in this way. I am self-dependent. I don’t look at other people
in hope for help. People think I may be rude but it’s because of them I am like
this.
Hate me or Love me...
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